What happen...

... to the "I love you"?
... to the "I smile like a silly goon when I think of you"?
... to the "surrounded by a happiness bubble, feeling warm and fuzzy inside"?
... to the "wanna protect and shelter you from all the troubles and pain"?
... to the "I like laughing with you"?
... to the "I like spending time with you, everything is more fun with you are around"?
... to the "I smell your pillow when you're not around"?
... to the "you make me happy"?

Wonder if you think about what happened to all these?

When I'm upset, I think about how a hug from you lighten up everything.
I think about how a simple evening with you warms my heart.
I think about us cooking dinner together, watching a movie on the couch with your arms around me.
I think about how we have fun, tickling, goofing around and laughing together.
I think about how we enjoy quiet moments together just sitting there after all the laughter.
I think about going to bed with your arms around me.
I think about how you reach for my hand and linked your fingers with mine in your sleep.

I wish someone can help me. Those emotions in me is causing so much heartache that I feel the physical pain. Paralysed by the pain in my heart. Can't move. Can't breathe.

If we stayed together till you fly off, there will be no fights, no unhappiness, no tears... only the good memories for us to last a long long while... Why make us go through all these? I don't understand.

You were the one who made things serious, you know? The last time you left me, I was going to recover after 2 months of crying every single day because I know I was not that important to you. I don't dare to hope that you'll think of me, miss me the way I missed you. I thought you'll be gone from my life forever.

And then you came back. You told me that you loved me. You said you would like to meet my family even though I keep emphasizing that meeting them means things are serious. You asked me to travel halfway across the globe to meet your family. You told me, on your own terms that you chose your next destination because you would like that I will be able to visit if possible. You said it yourself that you would like to try and make things between us work out. Everything was on your terms... I never ever force anything on you. I don't even dare to talk about it. Good things like these never happen to me, so I don't dream anymore. And then, you crushed me.

You asked, what the difference with breaking my heart now, and when you're gone for good? The difference is not whether you're here in Singapore or you're gone. The difference is nobody can predict the future. If we had tried hard enough but we failed, I can accept it. But now, you're giving up on us because you've craved the future in stone and tell yourself that this relationship won't work without even trying. And this upsets me. Breaks my heart. You promised things will get better, but it didn't. Do you care enough to feel my pain?

I want you. That's all I want. The rest doesn't matter. :"(

I hate...

...crying myself to sleep.

...waking up with tears flowing.

...not being able to sleep.

...fighting the urge to call him. I so wanna hear his voice.

...feeling the disappointment when I did not hear from him. But what do I expect right?

...losing appetite and not eating.

...feeling miserable.

...being unable to cheer myself up.

...being caught in a situation like this.

Why can't we return to the beginning, where we were just friends - hanging out in a group, the nice long conversations, the shy smiles, simple jokes and goofing ard...
I want to know he's happier than before.

Gone.

And so I'm right, girlie and dreamy stuff dun happen to me...

He's gone, frm my life. Just like tat.

Makes me wonder, why did we start? I guess I'm dumb.

Do you know...

... that I was talking about you in my previous post?

... that I'm happy now to be spending Christmas, V-Day and my birthday with you as my partner now?

... that I still feel my heart skip whenever I see you?

... that a hug from you makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside?

... that I like to peep and observe you when you're not noticing?

... that I can talk to you freely about my problems, something that I'm not always comfortable doing?

... that I grin to myself some times when I think about you when I'm overseas?

I'm happy to have known you.

Resigned to fate...

I've not been vocal here for a very very long time. Issues are all pent out inside me... I've beginning to feel the stress.

Generally this is a place for me to yell out my thoughts and basically my unhappiness or rather issues in my life... But becoz I've been quite ok for a long long time, I din wanna blog. Afterall, I'm happy, nothing much happening in my life that's been affecting me a great deal, so I stopped for a long long time...

But today, something made me wanna seek solace here again... And I'm hoping that being able to pen it out, I'll be able to find a release for the pent up emotions (and rage) which I can find only in writing. I understand that I have frens ard me, pple who cared, and I really appreciated everyone of them who gave me advice, but I realised I'm juz someone very solo... I can tell them my problems and received advice, but my puny little brain will still be so stressed out, coz I'm very very stubborn.

On most days, the stress dun even show on my face when we hang out, coz I seriously hate to trouble others with my problems... and there's other days where I juz wanna hide at home and sleep my troubles away... Hoping that when I'm sleeping, the stress bugs dun get to me...

Anyone out there who understands what I'm talking abt?


Anyway, back to why I wanna blog tonite. I'm feeling disappointed with myself for my indecisiveness. I want things to change, but I dun have the guts to tell him so. I think he's not the one for me. And he's not exactly honest all the time. I found out the hard way. But earlier on, I did tell myself that I can try to forgive and forget and try things out, but recently, I realised that, that is NOT me. I juz cannot really accept it.

Worse thing is, it affected all my other friendships. I hurt pple ard me who's concerned abt me. Friends who thinks that I'm "destroying" myself again.

A friend asked me today, "Do you love him?". I answered, "Do I know what is love?".

I feel sad when I replied, but somehow I know it's true. Do I know wat's love? I doubt so... I've experienced plenty of heartbreaks, but is it becoz I love those guys, or becoz I was in a r/s with them? Recently I ponder but I'm never sure of the answer myself...

I've become someone who cannot get into a normal r/s anymore all becoz I dunno what I'm looking for in a partner. I need time to myself, be alone for a while. To take time to reflect and learn abt myself, before I can go learn abt and understand someone else.

Flying has taught me a lot of things and gave me an opportunity to see the world and at the same time, run away from the world. When things happen and I dunno what to do, I juz let my mind go blank and I fly off to yet another country. Sometimes to think in the hotel room, but most times, get my gears and walk the streets of a foreign place. A pretty good way to get away from everything, running away...

It suits me well, coz now I can be alone and dun feel lonely anymore. I never was able to be that way. I used to feel lonely all the time even when I'm surrounded by friends. Now I can say, I've learned to be truely independent.

Which is also why I really would like to be left alone now, but I dunno how to voice it out to him, coz too many things happened. And I'm still unable to say NO.

Now that this issue affect a chance for me to know another person better, I feel really upset. There's this really aching feeling inside me when I felt the subtle rejection when I decided to tell the truth, coz the conversation came on and with questions and answers, I have to be honest. Afterall, I'm a strong believer of "omitting the truth equals to lying". So now the chance to know another person better is gone. I'm upset, upset enough to shed a few tears but yet tell myself to move on, coz I know once again that I dun fit in.

To be frank, I was contented to be juz friends. To have juz a chance to see a friend, hang out together in a group. The nice long conversations, the shy smiles, simple jokes and goofing ard... I enjoyed the feeling of my heart skipping a few beats when he smiles at me... But I guess normal girlie and dreamy stuff like that dun happen to a girl like me anymore. Tonight, everything started out wonderful, and ended with me feeling that life really sucks for me BIG TIME, but as always I'm resigned to the fact of it all...

Cheated again...

what happen when you feel cheated over and over again by different pple?

Today I received a yet another shocking phonecall. Gosh~ god knows how many times in my life I've gotten phonecalls like this... why does it always have to be me?! I'm really feeling quite numb with all these dramas in my life. What my fren said is right. I can probably write a whole book on my life and it'll be filled with stories that only happen in serial dramas.

Not a movie~! A WHOLE FREAKING SERIAL DRAMA!! coz there's juz too many stories to be told...

I wonder if it's becoz I'm naive or becoz I've chose to live my life dangerously.

What my name means --> TRICIA

What Tricia Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

This is surprising accurate, and I seriously wonder whether it's positive or negative... hmmmm... *ponders*

he'll knw who he is...

perhaps it's best that he dun apppear at all EVER in my life again~ As time passed by, I thot it'll eventually heal my wounds, but with him, I juz realised I really just hate him more... for being irresponsible, for being selfish... for hurting me in that worst possible way~

I know it's a little tad bit extreme, but I juz had to do the childish thing of deleting his everything from my life... his number, his email, his address, his pictures, his friendster, his testimonials for me, throwing away everything tat have even the slightest link or memory of him...

me and him - no longer lovers, not frens, not even acquaintance... To me, it's just a period of wasted time, terrible mistake and a hell lot of grief!

those whom take me as a fren, pls dun even mention his name to me. It'll only create this gloom ard me that I'll take forever to shake off... If I have to hate him to feel better, I will juz have to hate him...

SO go away and STAY AWAY... thank you...

slowly recovering...

The Bottom Line
Things are settling into place -- this is not a good day to move or stir things up.

In Detail
There is a stillness in the air, and things are finally settling into place in your personal life. Therefore, this is not a good day to move around and stir things up again. Let sleeping dogs lie, don't revisit sensitive issues, and just enjoy where you are in life right now. You'll be getting introspective about yourself, which is a good thing -- it will help you see things in the right perspective and realize how much you've grown in a relatively short period of time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's Friendster horoscope is interesting... I haven't been reading up on the horoscope section for the longest time, but today when I finally clicked on the link and read after such a long time, it juz feel so right and feel so true...

In a good way I mean, I'm glad to say life is definitely better now. I feel more at peace with myself, less angry with life and myself with the choice I've made and generally juz more happy and have more fun... haven't felt so carefree for the longest time~

slowly picking up the bits and pieces and being whole again... frens ard me helped a lot as well. My mood and feelings are gettin better finally. I can't be as jovial as before, but at least, I can feel myself slowly recovering...

Am I really charming?

Guys Like That You're Charming

You're the girl most guys can't get out of their heads. Even if they met you on a bad hair day. :) You just seem to "click" with everyone you meet. So even if a guy forgets about you for a second... his friends haven't!

What Do Guys Like About You?

My Celebrity Look-alikes

Sammi Cheng appears for 3 of my photos!!! *griNz*

Hello Kitty & Doraemon!

Doraemon and Hello Kitty were out on the streets one day. When Doraemon saw Hello Kitty, he waved and greeted her, "Hello Kitty!"

Hello Kitty, however, didn't greet him in return. Why didn't she?

(She didn't have a mouth.)



Now, she was feeling pretty bad about appearing rude, so she stitched a mouth on herself and went off to look for for Doraemon. When she saw him, she greeted him enthusiastically.

Doraemon, however, ignored her. Why didn't he acknowledge her greeting?

(He couldn't hear her - he didn't have ears!)



I know this is very silly, but I burst out laughing after reading this... I find it so so funny. LOL~!!!

What confines me? NOTHING~

You are confined by Nothing. Good for you. You are comfortable with yourself and the way you are seen. I'm glad there are people like you in the world.

Quiz: What Confines You? by Quizilla

starLett's Johari/Nohari Windows

Go try this out~ BUT pls dun use anonymous and annoy me k! Leave a nickname at least...

For my good traits:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=starLett

For my bad traits:
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=starLett

OH GOSH~, where's the tagboard?

Tagboard temporarily down, coz sillyC and I wanna see who will take the "extra" effort to spam through blog entries comments... small experiment nia~

and so, the most active and quite friendly pple on my tagboard listed below: -
1) starLett (which is of coz myself)
2) sillyC (my best gf)
3) nobody (someone I realised is from WLNY)
4) bEcKs (someone always there, also visit WLNY)
5) channelle (a babe!)
6) lord (someone who finds my tagboard amusing and entertaining - which I totally agree with)
7) Tyler (who is very interested in cars~ drove a Toyota Starlet. single ‘T’ k, not like my nick~ )
8) Shingz (a few posts here and there, sounds like a philosopher)

and the not-so-friendly, childish, no-life pple whom follow my blog even though they dun seem to like me~ (I've got no idea, maybe they secretly wished they're me?! now that'll seriously be amusing~)
9) anonymous aka bloop (someone who said DW is one of the best lovers ard. I wonder how many did you tried to determine the best? I gave you the nick "bloop" since there are so many anonymous, plus I think the word sounds funny… LoL!)
10) anny (who seconded bloop's comment. So I also wonder how she knows?)
11) passerby (who followed my blog since 2 years ago, very aggressive individual. Maybe he/she is very suppressed in real life, so tat's why seem a little unstable 不平衡)
三位不知所谓， 无聊的小人!

And know wat, since this is my blog, so I can choose to delete their posts... lalalala~ *griNz*

oh ya~ another thing, DW sms-ed me and asked me not to write abt/discuss abt him in my blog wor~ and I told him, "I didn't, your lovers did..." happy? LOL!

Anyway, he thinks all these are childish~ my sentiments exactly...

My god-bro - Desmond

Bro, I know I've failed you, in a way... I'm sorry...

I do value our friendship a lot in my heart, but as you know, I run away from stuff a lot. I had some problems and I find it difficult to share with you then. Time dragged on and I feel even more guilty for "ignoring" you... Especially when you din do anything wrong to deserve it... Sorry!

When I finally had the courage to "face" you again, I finally replied your msg, but in a way, I'm still afraid to pick up your calls, coz I'm worried you'll scold me? I'm juz not good at handling tat... But I'm really happy to receive your sms after that. Happy to know that you still care, even though I'm being a jerk...

I'm glad to know you as a friend and I really missed the camaraderie that we once shared. And sincerely, I hoped that we still have tat even after what I've done... you know, ignoring you for no reason?

Bro, forgive me alright?

*not a very flattering pic* BUT really happy times...

Since you're so interested~

I shall give all my ex-bfs (whom matters to me) initials, so tat I know who all the anonymous pple are talking abt in my tagboard

EL - Spent last 2 yrs with EL, I went to Batam, Taiwan, Japan with him. We've a happy and comfortable life together. I thot we'll get married, have a nice house, have a few kids and live happily ever after. BUT it din work out. Maybe becoz I can never forgive and forget wat happened last Jan. Seems like a lifetime ago, but it'll forever be a scar.

DW - The one in my latest entry "Dedicated to you". We spent a short time together before, and I would like him to be happy now, in watever he does. It was like a storm then, intriguing, fast and dangerous, swept me off my feet, had a few tumbles and miraculously I survived, though there was a few bruises but I had no regrets.

YM - A guy who, from the bottom of my heart, changed my perspective of life. Held my hand when I was growin up and gave me lots of happiness as well as heartaches. I heard that he is happily married now. I hope they're happy as well! ;)

iaN - my best guy friend now, who will always be there for me. Will always help to drag me out of watever misery I am inflicting on myself. We knew each other since I was 15yr old, tat makes it a 10yr-old friendship.

And of coz, in between of all of them, there are quite a number of guys whom I've spent time with, either in the phase of trying to get to knw each other, or got together for a short time. Those who formed part of my memories for the last quarter of a century that I've spent my life, making me who I am today.

I also hope they're all happy. TO me, we all parted as friends, and so most of us are still friends till today, no matter watever happened in the past. Friends who still matters but in a very different way now.

So now, pls quote initials so I bloodly hell know who you're referring to... plus so many kaypo anonymous pple ard in my tagboard, leave a nick for goodness sake! -_-"

Dedicated to YOU

I believe if you read this, you will know who you are...

I decided to meet you becoz when I heard that you're going away, I feel sad and shocked and I din wanna regret not seeing you before you leave the country for a long long time... But come to think of it, it shouldn't be much difference since we haven't seen each other for close to 2 yrs right?

But NO, it's different, at least to me... I dunno how you think though. I cannot figure why you wanted to meet me after so long, and I will never ask you. So I will always wonder because I will never have a definite answer...

You've left such a deep impression in my life that I dun think I will ever forget you. Meeting up after so long did not seem like a good idea at first, after all that we're been though but the feeling when I first saw you standing in front of me in person, the joy and pleasure was really overwhelming... Honestly, it's not the feeling that I expected. I guessed you've always been in my heart...

When you sent me home, I was thinking, will I see you again? Not tat smart, am I? I never learn...

Those times when we chatted on MSN, I've always wonder how have you been? I had a lot of questions that I wanted to ask, but as always, I won't ask, I would rather you tell me if you want to... I always wonder whether we'll see each other ever again. As I told you, I never thot we'll ever meet again...

As always, since those good old days, I've always hope you've been happy and will always be happy... I will continue to miss you, in my own way! :)

African Violets

African violets, also known as Saintpaulias, are among the most well-known house plants in the world. Plants are attractive and grow in a variety of sizes and shapes, from miniature of a few inches high to trailing forms that drape from pots. The flowers of African violets are most appealing. Colours range from single shades of white, red, pink, blue, deep purple and wine to striking combinations. Foliage is lush and multi-shaped in various shades of green. African violets grow well in the temperate region but they also thrive well in the tropics provided the five basic needs, (ie. steady warmth, careful watering, good lighting, high air humidity and regular feeding) are taken care of. There should be no difficulty in producing several flushes of flowers each year.

Source: http://www.gardentech.com.sg/article_african_violets.asp


My new plant! *pic sucks coz taken with my lousy phone*

Rick juz gave me a pot of purple African Violet~ or rather we went to shop for it together because I wanted to buy a pot of SOMETHING to put in my office... Like a new toy!! I've bought beans as well as flowers (for myself) to brighten my personal space in office, but I realised they died off quite fast, say ard a week...

I hope a pot of plant should last a little longer if I take care of it! Hope I have green fingers and dun kill my plant ba~ LoL! So excited!! *griNz*

Dancing... with me on HIS feet!

It's the first time I dance on somebody's feet... haha~ granted it's feels silly, with me stepping on his feet, swaying to the music... sweet and good kinda silly~ haha! *grinZ*