Resigned to fate...

I've not been vocal here for a very very long time. Issues are all pent out inside me... I've beginning to feel the stress.

Generally this is a place for me to yell out my thoughts and basically my unhappiness or rather issues in my life... But becoz I've been quite ok for a long long time, I din wanna blog. Afterall, I'm happy, nothing much happening in my life that's been affecting me a great deal, so I stopped for a long long time...

But today, something made me wanna seek solace here again... And I'm hoping that being able to pen it out, I'll be able to find a release for the pent up emotions (and rage) which I can find only in writing. I understand that I have frens ard me, pple who cared, and I really appreciated everyone of them who gave me advice, but I realised I'm juz someone very solo... I can tell them my problems and received advice, but my puny little brain will still be so stressed out, coz I'm very very stubborn.

On most days, the stress dun even show on my face when we hang out, coz I seriously hate to trouble others with my problems... and there's other days where I juz wanna hide at home and sleep my troubles away... Hoping that when I'm sleeping, the stress bugs dun get to me...

Anyone out there who understands what I'm talking abt?


Anyway, back to why I wanna blog tonite. I'm feeling disappointed with myself for my indecisiveness. I want things to change, but I dun have the guts to tell him so. I think he's not the one for me. And he's not exactly honest all the time. I found out the hard way. But earlier on, I did tell myself that I can try to forgive and forget and try things out, but recently, I realised that, that is NOT me. I juz cannot really accept it.

Worse thing is, it affected all my other friendships. I hurt pple ard me who's concerned abt me. Friends who thinks that I'm "destroying" myself again.

A friend asked me today, "Do you love him?". I answered, "Do I know what is love?".

I feel sad when I replied, but somehow I know it's true. Do I know wat's love? I doubt so... I've experienced plenty of heartbreaks, but is it becoz I love those guys, or becoz I was in a r/s with them? Recently I ponder but I'm never sure of the answer myself...

I've become someone who cannot get into a normal r/s anymore all becoz I dunno what I'm looking for in a partner. I need time to myself, be alone for a while. To take time to reflect and learn abt myself, before I can go learn abt and understand someone else.

Flying has taught me a lot of things and gave me an opportunity to see the world and at the same time, run away from the world. When things happen and I dunno what to do, I juz let my mind go blank and I fly off to yet another country. Sometimes to think in the hotel room, but most times, get my gears and walk the streets of a foreign place. A pretty good way to get away from everything, running away...

It suits me well, coz now I can be alone and dun feel lonely anymore. I never was able to be that way. I used to feel lonely all the time even when I'm surrounded by friends. Now I can say, I've learned to be truely independent.

Which is also why I really would like to be left alone now, but I dunno how to voice it out to him, coz too many things happened. And I'm still unable to say NO.

Now that this issue affect a chance for me to know another person better, I feel really upset. There's this really aching feeling inside me when I felt the subtle rejection when I decided to tell the truth, coz the conversation came on and with questions and answers, I have to be honest. Afterall, I'm a strong believer of "omitting the truth equals to lying". So now the chance to know another person better is gone. I'm upset, upset enough to shed a few tears but yet tell myself to move on, coz I know once again that I dun fit in.

To be frank, I was contented to be juz friends. To have juz a chance to see a friend, hang out together in a group. The nice long conversations, the shy smiles, simple jokes and goofing ard... I enjoyed the feeling of my heart skipping a few beats when he smiles at me... But I guess normal girlie and dreamy stuff like that dun happen to a girl like me anymore. Tonight, everything started out wonderful, and ended with me feeling that life really sucks for me BIG TIME, but as always I'm resigned to the fact of it all...

Cheated again...

what happen when you feel cheated over and over again by different pple?

Today I received a yet another shocking phonecall. Gosh~ god knows how many times in my life I've gotten phonecalls like this... why does it always have to be me?! I'm really feeling quite numb with all these dramas in my life. What my fren said is right. I can probably write a whole book on my life and it'll be filled with stories that only happen in serial dramas.

Not a movie~! A WHOLE FREAKING SERIAL DRAMA!! coz there's juz too many stories to be told...

I wonder if it's becoz I'm naive or becoz I've chose to live my life dangerously.

What my name means --> TRICIA

What Tricia Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

This is surprising accurate, and I seriously wonder whether it's positive or negative... hmmmm... *ponders*