I do feel the PAIN...

Melbourne Time - 1335hr

Things affect me. Sometimes I pretend they dun. To be honest, i believe most of my fren knows that. They juz pretend wif me.

"Maybe I might appear invunerable but I still feel pain"

Adapted the above from my buddy - Icedoom... tears dropped naturally when i read his phrase. I feel for him coz this is exactly how i feel as well... There are times where i'm sick of being perceived as strong, but i still go on, coz i dun want others to worry. Plus, it's juz how others know me already. I can't disappoint others and disappoint myself by being otherwise... right?

No matter how strong a person might appear, i believe there will be certain things tat affect them more than others. it is called their weakness. I do have feelings too ya know? Sometimes, i really feel like giving up and allow myself to breakdown. But i've experienced tat before... breaking down... And i know tat, not only it does not help matters, everyone else will be influenced and feel bad. And worse thing, i feel even more lonely than even when tat happens. Plus, anti-depressant medication taste YUCKY and makes me feel bloated!! *eekz*

And so, i push myself to be independent, be strong. Find activities to occupy myself...

But really... i'm feeling really tired already...

Byebye Singapore!

i'll be leaving SG for Melbourne tonite @ 1945hr... Flight: Qantas Airways QF0010

i will miss all my friends here when i'm there... =(

lotsa stuff happened to me recently... i wanted to write abt it, but i guessed, i dun have the time. Plus, i wanted to take the time to forget abt some stuff b4 i go to Melbourne~ so, i din blog abt anything since my exams. Maybe i will write abt everything on my flight and upload it when i'm free ba~ i still wanna put all my memories here... =)

i hope i'll have fun there~ feeling very excited yet nervous now~! =P

A big thank you to all my frens (esp. Celia) who took the time out to accompany me when i'm down. Especially after my exams where i need tat attn coz i'm juz so depressed... the time where i almost breakdown if not for my frens...

Thank you.

Will be back on 9th June @ 1950hr (if nothing goes wrong~) Flight: Qantas Airways QF0051

BYEBYE SINGAPORE!!

My Birth Date Analysis

Since i'm very into Friendster horoscopes, i decided to do this quiz as well... birth dates~ guess it's similar to horoscopes ba... pretty accurate as well i think!

Your Birthdate: March 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Means?

Missing someone...

I got this from a friendster bulletin posted by a fren. it juz gets to me and touch me deeply. Maybe becoz i've been having this feeling recently.
read on...


Missing someone is a terrible but at the same time, sweet feeling.
You will be sitting around wondering if you meant anything to him/her.
Thinking if he/she ever cares about you.
Rushing to the phone once it rings hoping that it's him/her.

Looking out of the window hoping that he/she will surprise you by appearing downstairs.
Sitting in front of the television but thinking of him/her,
missing the final episode of your favourite show.
Laying on your bed, thinking of the last time you were out together.
Thinking of how nice it will be to sit under the stars again,
talking about everything, your dreams, plans, future.
Logging on to the internet hoping to see him/her online.
When you realise that he/she isn't online and did not return your call,
you will start worrying if he/she is okay.

Missing someone is a way of growing up i guess.
It exposes you to loneliness.
It teaches you how to cope with being lonely and let you know that there is actually a feeling known as emptiness.

Sometimes it feels good to miss someone.
You know that you really care and you indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her.

But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible.
You feel as if you are being left alone.
So if you miss someone, tell him/her and let them know.
At the same time, ask if they miss you.
Don't let the feeling of missing someone become jealousy or paranoia.
If you are the one being missed and you know it, let the other party know.
If you miss him/her too, tell them.
Don't let them wait.

it really felt terrible especially missing someone tat is so dear and close to you. How i wish to tell him, "You always on my mind, each time i wake up till i close my eyes.." i wonder, is he missing me too?

Sequel to "commitments and me?"

Loving It: Maybe it's retribution ? Thought of it ?
starLett: mayb. mayb it's a subconscious choice i make so tt when things dun work out, i got a reason to blame them, n say it's nt my fault. like they can't commit so they leave, so it's nt my fault? haha... self-denial ;)
Loving It: Haha... denial it in front of a big crowd. Maybe you don't understand what retribution mean... I believe in retribution and thats why you are suffering now. :)
starLett: am i suffering? actually i dun feel so... everything is still kinda fun! life goes on~

Thru this i realised... there are very boring pple out there who's rather interested in my very boring life~ ;P


From Dictionary.com
ret·ri·bu·tion
n.

1. Something justly deserved; recompense.
2. Something given or demanded in repayment, especially punishment.
3. Theology. Punishment or reward distributed in a future life based on performance in this one.


I decipher it as... some pple done bad things, so they get retribution and suffered in the form of getting hurt by me in some ways, hence i have to suffer again coz i hurt them? duhz~ life dun work this way eh~ this equation is wrong, can?

Point is: i'm not suffering... everybody goes thru a rough patch now and then. Whining abt it won't hurt anyone. i wanna grumble... coz it gets the "burden" off my chest and then i move on and concentrate on the other aspects in my life. Everything in my life now is still fun and i'm still loving it... Life still goes on! =D

commitments and me?

i'm always gng into relationships with guys who cannot commit. i've been wondering, is it becoz subconsciously, i cannot commit as well? maybe i feel safer being in a r/s with them, coz in any case, if they choose to leave, i dun feel so bad?? coz i also dunno how to keep a r/s gng? sigh~ BUT i'm losing the energy and interest in all these continuous dating games tat i've been putting myself through eh...

I really wanna have something stable and secure wor. Where the love between us is simple and mutual. chey~ wat am i thinking abt man? just some random thots...

tired... mentally n physically

was telling a fren, iaN tat i'm feeling damn tired these days....

his comment:
mentally u r tired... of course lar... u long for a good stable relationship... but it didn't work out again this time... u will tend to feel bored, tired, restless?

then if physically u r tired hor, then is OF COURSE lar.. u CLUB N DRINK N DANCE N SING last nite!

how true. he still knows me best...

i feel tat i'm starting to lose control again~ ALCOHOL.... MY life tranquilizer... it's only when i drink tat i forget my problems momentarily and be happy... i love tat feeling~ where i dun think and juz do...

Exams OVER~

EXAMS OVER~!! wOohoOo~~!!

finally~ heh heh~ i'm really so so happy! I'm gng to enjoy myself and then get out of the country!

looking forward to my Australia trip~ I'l be away from 19th May to 9th June... gng to Melbourne for overseas study program which is compulsory in my course of study. Hope it'll be fun... :)

Power of Words

I'm beginning to be obsessed with Friendster's horoscope again. Especially when i read my horoscope for today. i got a reason to post this Friendster horoscope.

Today's Forecast
You learned all about the power of words a long time ago, so it's important to you that people say what they really mean. If someone close to you seems to be holding back, have a talk with them.

The Bottom Line
Bewildered? It's all hazy now. Keep puzzling it out while you wait for clarity.

In Detail
You've just broken out of a deep, dark shell. It wasn't easy, but now that you've decided to stay out here in the sunshine, you won't take kindly to anyone who tries to drive you back. That goes double for anyone who attempts to guilt you into feeling bad about something you know you had absolutely nothing to do with. Talk to the manipulator and straighten them out. You might be able to reach a compromise, or a cease-fire, at the very least.

============
today's horoscope strikes a cord again... why?

"Power of words" - yes, tat is impt to me. very impt to say wat you really mean and make sure ur actions tally, else dun bother saying anything coz i dun need tat.

Reason: someone said something to me, which is very important to me. tat person said he'll make a decision and inform me by tonite. Since today will be my last paper, it'll also be my last day of stress. I will wanna be free and soar like a bird in the sky after this dark period of exams stress, and something else (which is obvious).

I won't wanna continue being upset over something which i have no control over. I've made my own decision and made myself very clear on tat as well. I told myself i want to be happy. And i believe i can only achieve it if i'm determined to... So i gotta take a stand, and be firm abt it, no matter how affected or upset i will be. i've learnt tat being soft-hearted is really pointless, people will only take advantage.

Now till my paper is roughly abt 5hrs away. 8hrs later, i shld be home sleeping and enjoying the peace and relaxing coz EXAMS IS OVER!! Hooray~! hahaha... *looking forward*

Selective Perception

was thinking abt my obsession with Friendster horoscopes. here's another one...

Today's Forecast
You've always been inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when no one else is convinced that they deserve it. This time, it seems that you were absolutely right. Resisting the urge to gloat will be tough.

The Bottom Line
Locate your inner source of strength. It's completely solid. Feel your power.

In Detail
Recently, you placed your trust in someone the rest of the world had completely abandoned -- and as it turned out, you were absolutely right. Now you're being asked to lend your support to someone with a similar track record. Forget what anyone tries to tell you about logic, statistics or typical behavior and don't feel obligated one way or the other. Let your intuition guide you like it did last time.

============
although these days, it has lost it's novelty... and i (finally) discover it is not very accurate afterall? hahaha~~

i still look forward to reading it. But it's juz not so interesting anymore... maybe becoz it's not showing me wat i wanna read? selective perception theory! LoL! putting wat i studied into practice k~

well, maybe tonite i read something which i subconsciously wanna read and secretly hope it's true? but anyway, i'm not stupid, i know horoscopes can't be trusted, juz find it amusing tat this comes up at this point of my life, tat's all...

was revising abt Leadership Management and Skills. later paper's at 10am. And find tat it's very very interesting and it sets me thinking abt myself -- understanding myself, self-awareness, self-disclosure & trust, time & stress management skills, values & goals-setting... when i was studying, i realised how impt all this is to me NOW. :) this is definitely a easier module to revise coz i can relate to it~ not like International Finance :/


What i studied last nite as well -
There are three things that are extremely hard: steel, diamond, and to know one's self.
         -- Benjamin Franklin

Trust is not a right, it is earned.
Trust is fragile! it takes only suspicion to destroy trust tat's been build over the years... sad, but true~

My Life... My Script~

i'm writing my blog coz i wanna release the tension tat builds up in me. it is how i feel and wat i'm gng thru. recently, it's abt the bad/negative stuff... BUT there was good/positive stuff in the past right?

today i'm feeling more calm... coz i got the whole big picture and know it's useless to think too much. and so, i spent my whole day studying... which is good for me, and impt to me coz tmr is my paper... i know i am still procrastinating, but it's Tricia ya know... it's juz in me~

But i am sad tat there some pple who thinks i'm BRAGGING abt my problems... thanks ar~! now all i can say, i'm disappointed. it's my problems. if i wanna be miserable, and you cannot stand it, you can turn ur head alright.

for those pple who think i'm writing to let others read and seeking attn, you can always dun come back and read de... and if you read abt stuff you dun wanna see or find out, you also can dun check back de... always remember, nobody's forcing you~ :)

this is a good place for me to reflect and write down my thots. record down wat happened in my life... interesting stuff, boring stuff, mundane stuff, watever~ but ALL MY STUFF~ no lies... my frens can update themselves on wat i've been doing and gng thru. (if they're interested to know) but if they dun come here, they'll still call me anyway... tat's wat frens are for~

those who leave encouraging comments, thanks a lot... for those who's trying to make me see the light, thanks too... but if you really juz wanna discourage me or shout at me, you can always contact me personally de, more straight-forward since you know me personally anyway. or if you dun know me personally, i dun mind making a new fren... (there's always MSN or email~) dun have to leave comments and pretend you're annoymous... even a nickname to identify urself is better than nameless. i do have something against Annoymous pple actually~ :)

this is my life... a drama script maybe to some... i'm still writing it no matter wat... until i dun want to write anything or when the updating loses its novelty... *smilez*

i'm tired...

why can't anyone understand? why issit tat a person perceived to be strong cannot be allowed to have problems? why can't pple ard me understand tat i dun want all this to happen as well?

why issit tat my own mum dun understand? why issit tat she can't give me tat few days to be upset and be left alone? why muz she keep pressurizing me?

why muz i stop my tears becoz others dun wanna see me cry? why do i always stop myself? why muz i smile when i feel like cryin?

why can't i pick myself up and dun disappoint pple ard me? why issit tat i feel like i owe everyone ard me, not to be upset? why muz i be alone to solve all my problems?

why issit tat whenever i'm upset there's nobody there i can really really talk to... why issit tat recently, i juz feel like giving up on everything??

i always think it's dumb... to give up on oneself, but NOW...

i'm tired, i'm really really tired...

Is there Someone... ?

I'm just a girl... a real girl looking for simplicity...

Will there be someone for me? The...
Someone who can let me stare at him for my entire life.
Someone who will let me make him laugh and smile.
Someone who will share with me how bad/good his day was.
Someone who will share all my happiness and sadness.
Someone who will call me first whenever any tiny incident affects him.
Someone who listens to me patiently without interrupting.
Someone who i can wrap my arms around him when he is down and let me comfort him with my soothing voice.
Someone who I can look forever at when he is asleep and never get bore of his face.
Someone who I can walk down the path hand in hand together.
Someone who enjoys eating the stuff I try to cook.
Someone who I will share my favourite food with him.
Someone who let me feed him with ice-cream.
Someone who I can snuggle and cuddle in bed with.
Someone who hears me whines, grumble and still willing to plant a kiss on my forehead and tell me everything is alright.
Someone who can make me cry but will try his best not to.
Someone who can make me melt in his arms just by a little hug.
Someone who will let me lean on him when i need the little emotional support.
Someone who will let me into his life and promise to witness my life as well.
Someone who thinks that I mean the world to him and I am beautiful.
Someone who can let me look into his eyes and tell him, "baobei, I will love u forever."


Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved,
it would be much simplier, but much less magical.
         -- Trey Parker and Matt Stone

in this quietness and slientness, none shld be heard other than my soft and gentle whisper to u... who will give me a hug? who will ease my complicated and confused mind?

If there's The One, where's mine?