What happen...

... to the "I love you"?
... to the "I smile like a silly goon when I think of you"?
... to the "surrounded by a happiness bubble, feeling warm and fuzzy inside"?
... to the "wanna protect and shelter you from all the troubles and pain"?
... to the "I like laughing with you"?
... to the "I like spending time with you, everything is more fun with you are around"?
... to the "I smell your pillow when you're not around"?
... to the "you make me happy"?

Wonder if you think about what happened to all these?

When I'm upset, I think about how a hug from you lighten up everything.
I think about how a simple evening with you warms my heart.
I think about us cooking dinner together, watching a movie on the couch with your arms around me.
I think about how we have fun, tickling, goofing around and laughing together.
I think about how we enjoy quiet moments together just sitting there after all the laughter.
I think about going to bed with your arms around me.
I think about how you reach for my hand and linked your fingers with mine in your sleep.

I wish someone can help me. Those emotions in me is causing so much heartache that I feel the physical pain. Paralysed by the pain in my heart. Can't move. Can't breathe.

If we stayed together till you fly off, there will be no fights, no unhappiness, no tears... only the good memories for us to last a long long while... Why make us go through all these? I don't understand.

You were the one who made things serious, you know? The last time you left me, I was going to recover after 2 months of crying every single day because I know I was not that important to you. I don't dare to hope that you'll think of me, miss me the way I missed you. I thought you'll be gone from my life forever.

And then you came back. You told me that you loved me. You said you would like to meet my family even though I keep emphasizing that meeting them means things are serious. You asked me to travel halfway across the globe to meet your family. You told me, on your own terms that you chose your next destination because you would like that I will be able to visit if possible. You said it yourself that you would like to try and make things between us work out. Everything was on your terms... I never ever force anything on you. I don't even dare to talk about it. Good things like these never happen to me, so I don't dream anymore. And then, you crushed me.

You asked, what the difference with breaking my heart now, and when you're gone for good? The difference is not whether you're here in Singapore or you're gone. The difference is nobody can predict the future. If we had tried hard enough but we failed, I can accept it. But now, you're giving up on us because you've craved the future in stone and tell yourself that this relationship won't work without even trying. And this upsets me. Breaks my heart. You promised things will get better, but it didn't. Do you care enough to feel my pain?

I want you. That's all I want. The rest doesn't matter. :"(

I hate...

...crying myself to sleep.

...waking up with tears flowing.

...not being able to sleep.

...fighting the urge to call him. I so wanna hear his voice.

...feeling the disappointment when I did not hear from him. But what do I expect right?

...losing appetite and not eating.

...feeling miserable.

...being unable to cheer myself up.

...being caught in a situation like this.

Why can't we return to the beginning, where we were just friends - hanging out in a group, the nice long conversations, the shy smiles, simple jokes and goofing ard...
I want to know he's happier than before.

Gone.

And so I'm right, girlie and dreamy stuff dun happen to me...

He's gone, frm my life. Just like tat.

Makes me wonder, why did we start? I guess I'm dumb.

Do you know...

... that I was talking about you in my previous post?

... that I'm happy now to be spending Christmas, V-Day and my birthday with you as my partner now?

... that I still feel my heart skip whenever I see you?

... that a hug from you makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside?

... that I like to peep and observe you when you're not noticing?

... that I can talk to you freely about my problems, something that I'm not always comfortable doing?

... that I grin to myself some times when I think about you when I'm overseas?

I'm happy to have known you.

Resigned to fate...

I've not been vocal here for a very very long time. Issues are all pent out inside me... I've beginning to feel the stress.

Generally this is a place for me to yell out my thoughts and basically my unhappiness or rather issues in my life... But becoz I've been quite ok for a long long time, I din wanna blog. Afterall, I'm happy, nothing much happening in my life that's been affecting me a great deal, so I stopped for a long long time...

But today, something made me wanna seek solace here again... And I'm hoping that being able to pen it out, I'll be able to find a release for the pent up emotions (and rage) which I can find only in writing. I understand that I have frens ard me, pple who cared, and I really appreciated everyone of them who gave me advice, but I realised I'm juz someone very solo... I can tell them my problems and received advice, but my puny little brain will still be so stressed out, coz I'm very very stubborn.

On most days, the stress dun even show on my face when we hang out, coz I seriously hate to trouble others with my problems... and there's other days where I juz wanna hide at home and sleep my troubles away... Hoping that when I'm sleeping, the stress bugs dun get to me...

Anyone out there who understands what I'm talking abt?


Anyway, back to why I wanna blog tonite. I'm feeling disappointed with myself for my indecisiveness. I want things to change, but I dun have the guts to tell him so. I think he's not the one for me. And he's not exactly honest all the time. I found out the hard way. But earlier on, I did tell myself that I can try to forgive and forget and try things out, but recently, I realised that, that is NOT me. I juz cannot really accept it.

Worse thing is, it affected all my other friendships. I hurt pple ard me who's concerned abt me. Friends who thinks that I'm "destroying" myself again.

A friend asked me today, "Do you love him?". I answered, "Do I know what is love?".

I feel sad when I replied, but somehow I know it's true. Do I know wat's love? I doubt so... I've experienced plenty of heartbreaks, but is it becoz I love those guys, or becoz I was in a r/s with them? Recently I ponder but I'm never sure of the answer myself...

I've become someone who cannot get into a normal r/s anymore all becoz I dunno what I'm looking for in a partner. I need time to myself, be alone for a while. To take time to reflect and learn abt myself, before I can go learn abt and understand someone else.

Flying has taught me a lot of things and gave me an opportunity to see the world and at the same time, run away from the world. When things happen and I dunno what to do, I juz let my mind go blank and I fly off to yet another country. Sometimes to think in the hotel room, but most times, get my gears and walk the streets of a foreign place. A pretty good way to get away from everything, running away...

It suits me well, coz now I can be alone and dun feel lonely anymore. I never was able to be that way. I used to feel lonely all the time even when I'm surrounded by friends. Now I can say, I've learned to be truely independent.

Which is also why I really would like to be left alone now, but I dunno how to voice it out to him, coz too many things happened. And I'm still unable to say NO.

Now that this issue affect a chance for me to know another person better, I feel really upset. There's this really aching feeling inside me when I felt the subtle rejection when I decided to tell the truth, coz the conversation came on and with questions and answers, I have to be honest. Afterall, I'm a strong believer of "omitting the truth equals to lying". So now the chance to know another person better is gone. I'm upset, upset enough to shed a few tears but yet tell myself to move on, coz I know once again that I dun fit in.

To be frank, I was contented to be juz friends. To have juz a chance to see a friend, hang out together in a group. The nice long conversations, the shy smiles, simple jokes and goofing ard... I enjoyed the feeling of my heart skipping a few beats when he smiles at me... But I guess normal girlie and dreamy stuff like that dun happen to a girl like me anymore. Tonight, everything started out wonderful, and ended with me feeling that life really sucks for me BIG TIME, but as always I'm resigned to the fact of it all...