i still believe him... :(

after putting our story into words, i realised tat falling is love is really something which a person has no control over. And you won't know when it's gonna end either.

I've been in a very bad mood and feeling lost since 12th Apr. I'm questioning myself constantly, why am i not letting go? i can't find any answer for myself. recently, i juz feel like drinking every nite, which i did... juz so tat i can sleep at nite. but even with drinking, sleep eludes me...

i know all his bad points and pattern from his gf. I can identify with everything tat she says. when she says she understand how i feel, i cried. coz i can feel that she really really understands, plus i feel the immersed sadness in her as well. but i'm too consumed with my own misery to really care, let go, get outta their lives and returning him to her... =' '(

But even though i'm so hurt and miserable, i'm still finding excuses for him. I still feel tat WT is not such a bad person,. i always think he's juz confused and indecisive. tat does not necessary make him really bad? call it watever... it's juz a character/personality of him...

his actions is hurting both of us. But he can't make a decision and tell one of us to go away. alright, maybe he did, but i cling on and he responsed and we carried on. But i think his motives ain't because he wants to hurt us. I sincerely feel tat it's because of the reverse, ie. he doesn't want either of us to be hurt by leaving us... which is not most pple would have done coz it's quite selfish~ but he juz can't deal with either of us giving up on ourselves and being sad?? plus he really dunno how he feel abt the both of us... i feel tat he do feel for both of us, in different ways, for different reasons... i just dun believe he's totally not affected by the whole situation. i still believe watever he says :(

i mean, maybe it's juz how i see it, not how he really is... coz afterall, i only know him for a rather short time... i can't tell exactly... it might be dumb of me to think this way~ maybe she understands better.

Part four: My Birthday...

Part four - MY BIRTHDAY

The next day, 15th Mar is our long-planned candlelight dinner date. It's his off day~! we can sleep in LATE... lol! i was supposed to go for morning lecture, but as a lazy, bo chup student - typical ME... i slept in late together with him. ;P spent a lazy morning with him juz snuggling in bed. late morning, we decided to get outta the house, coz i decide to go for the later part of the lecture and he's gng to workout at the gym. I had my notes with me, coz i picked it up the nite before. we took bus 502 together and i dropped off at Clementi while he go ahead with his own plans. Then, i was really happy, even the hand-holding while we waited for the bus was kinda sweet to me. the leaning on him while we wait for the bus, sitting next to him, nestling my head on the curve of his shoulder, resting my cheek on his chest... i noticed all these~ they're small gestures tat's impt to me. coz i dun do tat much anymore.

we went on with our own plans for the day and met up in the nite. I was once again... NERVOUS. It's like a first date kinda feeling. my best fren from SIM knows, coz i was telling her all abt WT! She can tell from the way i smile the whole day tat i'm looking forward to the nite. Throughout the day, i was also texting him to find out where we'll be gng. But he said to keep it a secret. hahaa... tat nite was special. like i posted previously, i felt like a little princess, like i'm really special

Dinner was great. The dessert I ordered came with a birthday candle. Seriously, it’s the first time I have such a romantic birthday with such thoughtful planning. Naturally, I was smiling the whole nite... I’m always smiling whenever I’m with him, coz I feel happy... From the bottom of my heart kind of happiness~ it was a very special nite for me.

After dinner, he sent me home... On the way home, I remembered there's this point of time where i feel a little jealous. When i know him, i read his friendster's testimonials and there's this "person" called Cheeky who is actually a soft toy monkey at his place. I thot Cheek was his account coz Cheeky writes testimonials for him. =P i find the whole idea quite cute, so i actually tried adding Cheeky "as my friend" in Friendster too... Afterall, i know Cheeky "in-person" and he sleeps with us when i was there? ;) alright, he got a shock when i say, "Dear, log in ur Cheeky's account and approve me eh.. like so cute.." he looked stun and said, actually tat account belongs to his ex-gf... i felt the sharp tingle of jealousy. coz he never told me abt tat before. After a very very short while, i tell myself, "it's EX-gf ma".. and i was ok again.

He din ask me to be with him tat nite. I was feeling kinda disappointed, coz that'll be a nice way to end the magical evening we shared. But i can't possible ask him right? I'm a frank and forward person. BUT when it comes to someone i really like, i will be a little shy too... Plus i can't stay with him every nite coz my parents dunno abt him. So when he sent me to my door, i was still have mixed feelings on whether to ask him. Then when i reached home, he sms me~!! *heez* asking me why i never say i wanna stay with him... gosh! juz wat i wanna hear! hahaha... my heart goes "YES!" but of coz, not to appear TOO forward, i dallied a little, saying some lame excuse when actually, all i wanna do is shower and jump at the opportunity... LoLz~ so unladylike right? But tat was exactly how i feel then...

And so, we spend the nite together again... i am feeling so in love... my frens know, from the way i talk abt him ALL THE TIME. i tell all my close frens abt him... i never like to tell them who i'm dating coz it's almost never serious enuff to warrant my attn for more than 2 months, and so they dun have to know. But WT is different from the rest. He broke though this defence armor tat i've been building ard me. i juz have the urge to tell all my frens... I really think he's different...

On the actual day of my birthday - 16th Mar, i woke up in his arms, feeling safe and cherished~ it's a memory i'll always always treasured...


=- TO BE CONTINUED -=

a huge hangover, and a broken heart

yesterday was a busy day.

good -
[1] my fren, Zeyenn accompany me for lunch, then agreed to go Boat Quay and drink with me. *i really need the dosage of alcohol*
[2] i went for a Samsung audition for their IT Show and got the job. Hooray! *i see money rolling in~!*
[3] i finally move my ass, went to sch library and borrowed the textbook required for Tues paper *yes, i am tat last min*

bad -
[1] Zeyenn and I opened a bottle of Chivas @ Plush Room*sinful indulgence coz i wanna get drunk*
[2] i drink myself silly... again. (on an empty stomach somemore) *it's nothing new to me le. it has always been my way of escape*
[3] i met my fren, Chiron at Starlight, supposingly to drink somemore, but troubled him to send me back within 20min of reaching. *i think the seat not even warm yet*
[4] i called her, and make a fool outta myself by sobbing. met up and sob some more. *till nw, i still can't believe i did tat*
[5] i request to meet him in my drunken state *which is lame, coz he'll think i did it on purpose to make him feel bad?*
[6] i allowed myself to totally knock out at his place, coz i juz dun wanna control myself anymore. *i'm so disappointed in myself...*

i dunno why i wanna drink. It's juz dumb right? but it's always been my form of escape from my problems. cry, not eating, late nights out, not sleeping, way too much drinking etc... typical things pple do when they can't deal with stress. these days, i seldom cry though. even if not for my r/s problems, there's still my exams stress... i miss the days where i go club between papers to release the pent-up stress.


now i'm home, nursing a huge hangover, and a broken heart. sigh~ the stupidity of me...

Part three: The Beginning...

26th April 2005 - 1425hr

i believe lots of pple will agree that waking up to the one you like, is really nice... it juz sorta brighten up ur entire day...

Part three - THE BEGINNING

12th Mar morning - i woke up in his arms.

When we parted and he left for work, i was feeling really great. I went to work at the IT show as usual and din really think much abt us the whole day coz it's really a very busy day. But there's the usual msg-ing of "i miss you baobei" and "muack :-)" from him to me, and from me to him... the usual flowery lovey-dovey msgs to each other After work tat nite, i msged him and tell him. i find it really natural to share wat i'm doing... with him. i haven't have this feeling for a long time... most of the time, i can't be bothered with my dates or my ex-es (except YM i guessed, but tat's so so long back) He din reply me. I juz thot he might be busy. That nite i went out with my own frens after work and i din think much coz i got no reason to suspect anything... we juz started out, nothing is really confirmed? plus there is a no promises thing tat he always emphasize on...

then i saw him online... i greeted him but he ignored. After tat, i received a msg saying he's gng to bed. it was close to 12mn then. naturally, i said my good nitez as well... i never think much abt the fact tat he dun call me. or the fact tat we dun talk to each other b4 sleeping. to me, everything was normal. coz i juz din think much. i'm a very simple person, really...

The next day, 13th Mar - was a busy day for me as well. I got no time to think abt us. I like it when i'm busy working, coz i dun need to think much on my problems. NO TIME TO DO SO! haha... There's the usual msg-ing which is enuff to keep my spirits high coz it's juz a feeling of sweetness. And then, after work, when i called him, he din pick up... i din bother to call further, coz i always believe "since he's busy, nvm la". not tat i'm bo chup, but i rather let things be... no point pressurizing and keep calling? after all, we're gng to meet up on Monday ma... the msgs i get from him is enough to make me feel cherished and in the lovey mood. He msg-ed me he's sleeping, and as usual, i said my good nitez... I din find it impt to yak over the phone then. coz i dun yak over the phone much with anyone anyway...

i had a good sleep tat nite and the 1st thing i did when i wake up in the afternn, naturally, was to reach for the phone and sms him. I spent my whole day slacking and thinking of him. disturbing him with my occasional sms-es throughout the day. And his reply is always prompt and swweeeet... We had plans to meet up in the evening after my class. He's coming to campus to fetch me after my nite class which ends at 10pm. And i was looking forward to it... :)

And so on 14th Mar nite, he was on time and came to sch to fetch me. I was feeling rather nervous actually. I dunno the reason, but i kinda feel shy? haha... i know right, so NOT Tricia... But i like the feeling of being a little silly till i'm speechless coz i'm happy? He gave me a peck on the lips when i climb into the passenger seat. i was juz grinning and grinning... and when i speak, i talk so fast tat it's quite easy to tell that I AM NERVOUS... hahahaa...

We went to Stadium Waterfront for porridge @ Oasis. It's the 1st time i'm out eating with him. i'm someone who enjoy good food and can eat a lot. Haa~ but then, i realised most gals dun eat A LOT in front of guys? SO i dunno how to act actually. ;P tat's so silly right? but i'm like so attracted to him. tat's why it's not easy to remain in control of all my logics. In the end, we had our huge supper with lotsa teasing and laughter... i find the way he keep putting food in my bowl so adoring. i had the everything-is-just-perfect kinda feeling!

After supper, we went home, and on the way, he asked me whether i'll be with him tat nite. I understand the qns, and answered, "but i need a change of clothes?" he understand tat i like waking up next to him as well. So he sent me home to have my shower while he waited downstairs in the car. i was surprised by my readiness to spend the nite. i know i won't be able to have a good rest if i go over coz i'm not used to sleeping next to anyone for some time... But still, it's juz so natural to say YES.

We were spending time talking rubbish when i was over there. he seems to open up a little more. I was busy checking out his room and realised tat his room have quite a lot of skincare products. I brushed off the nagging feeling and tell myself, metrosexuals also use skincare right? i'm not a very observation person in the 1st place, and i dun like to think too much and so I dun really care and check out the liquor in his cupboard.

He caught me looking and asked whether i've tried Bombay Sappahire Gin before. I said no, and give him a wide grinz. he said we shall try... Haa~ i was glad, coz liquor always help to loosen the tension. But we dun have any mixer, so we juz put ice and water. it's not tat appealing to me on 1st sip, but after a while, the fragrance and smoothness makes me sip more n more. We talked a little more, shared a little more and then we cuddle up and sleep~ :)

It's really a very very sweet feeling to be hug tightly when we cuddle up and fall asleep together. Miraculously, I was able to sleep and get my rest tat nite. coz we're fit together so naturally...

In a very short time, i fell head-over-heels over him, coz of the laughter we shared, coz of the comfort we shared, coz of the little kisses and touches, coz of the little looks we gave each other, coz of the intimacy and everything else... everything is juz so natural and so blissful...


=- TO BE CONTINUED -=

A fulfilling day

today, i'm in a better mood. :)

i woke up feeling very restless at 745am. it's like i juz naturally woke up without any reason. i'm very tired, but i juz woke up in a jolt. But i got nothing to do, so i went back and lie down again. fell asleep after a long while of tossing and turning. woke up again at 11am.

Then i surf net for a short while and prepare to get outta the house and travel to Raffles Place to meet my dad, coz he's applying a supp card for me. *smilez* quite a good feeling actually... it's for the upcoming Australia trip for the overseas study exchange program in late May.

after Raffles Place, he sent me to Plaza Singapura coz i need to terminate my cousin's starhub phone line for her. it's under my name... Then i went to my old workplace to take a look-see and visit my manager, Kenneth! Quite nice to see him! :) He accompanied me for a late lunch and catched up a bit. Listened to his problems and wished him all the best... he did the same for me~

after which, i actually wanna travel back to Jurong East and go swimming, coz been swimming every thursday for 3 consecutive weeks leh~ But in the end, the sky got so dark tat it's not difficult to guess it's gonna start POURING soon~ ;P so i came home instead... within 15min, it's raining cats and dogs~ see, i can forecast the weather~ haha!

i made plans to go out for drinks tonite actually. But in the end, changed plans. Ard 830pm, I went to the Jurong East Library to borrow some books coz i really need something to occupy my brain in the day~ hope reading novels will help me take my mind off the crap~ Meet up with Alex for late dinner and catch up session coz he's been so busy working and outta SG! gng to Bangkok again tmr~ bon voyage dude

after dinner, i hang out with my girlfrens, Celia n Jennifer at Holland Village Coffee Bean~ 3 girls with 3 different kinda problems... sigh~ life sucks! BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY GET BETTER! *SMILEz* after the long session of sharing, i feel my burden lessen. I hope the gals will feel so too...

by the time i reach home, it's 1.30am... *yawnz*

I'm tired, but i can't sleep... so i went online to chat~ juz ended all my chats, and now is 3.30am~ hahaha.... time really passes so fast today!

i think it's becoz my day is occupied with activities, so i dun have time to think too much. All in all, i had a fulfilling day, did a lot of stuff, met up a few frens~ din think so much! so now i know, it's better to keep myself occupied than to slack/laze ard at home doing NOTHING and THINK...

And i'm in a better mood at the end of the day~ :)

Numbness - Selfishness

i churn this out before tonite actually. and i did posted it. For exactly 3min then i decided to delete it. coz it involves the feeling of someone who i do care abt even though i rather not. a gal actually. not him. but i juz got the urge to post it tonite... maybe becoz i'm half-drunk, or maybe tonite i juz show a little more emotion, feel a little more vulnerable than usual? haa... i dunno the answer either, but nonetheless, this is it...

26th April 2005 - 1925hr

i wonder anyone have the feeling of whole body turned cold and numb SUDDENLY? and the heart suddenly turning stone cold and really really heavy? i had the feeling this morning. it's a very very bad feeling... the numbness... enveloping your heart...

i woke up way earlier than needed coz i can't rest well the whole nite. too tensed becoz of exams stress. then the most natural thing is to reach for my phone and check my msgs, coz before i slept last nite, i heard msgs, but i din checked coz it's so late already, they can't be really impt! right~? Then i realised my hp auto switched off during the nite coz batt flat... irritating! so, i reached for the charger cord and plug it in. Ahh.. then i felt so much better? i'm a little obsessed with my phones... most of my frens knows~ haha

after charging for like 2 min, i tried and switched it on... i mean, my phone gotta be on 24/7! else wat if someone's looking for me? ya right... actually, it usually nothing life threathening.

then i checked my msgs... then i got tat reaction... why?! coz she msged me... who is she? my bf's ex-gf (or is it gf still? i got no idea). my whole body turned freezing cold. sucks! she send me a msg like 1.51am last nite asking me whether i'm with him, and requesting tat i asked him to answer his phone... SIGH~ i was stunned, for a full min at least (i think so la, juz a long while la) i lost my mind for a while?

i mean, there he is. Lying juz next to me. Asleep. Looking harmless, and i juz broke out of his embrace. alright... i was told they broke off again~ exactly a week ago. duhz... i did not contact her to verify it coz it'll be very selfish of me right? she's already hurting, she dun need me to go ask this kinda qns. Plus he says not to hurt her further. I respect tat. So i din contact her even though i was skeptical. I dun see the point either.

when i reacted and replied, i asked her whether they're still together~ stupid qns! I knew she was with him the nite b4. How do i know?! gut feeling and also the way the bed is made... i dun wanna qns him further at nite, coz i was tired of everything already, i juz wanna sleep. so we both went to sleep. juz holding each other close and not speaking a single word.

wat's the point right? tat's why I chose to ignore it... i once told her "Ignorance is bliss". I got this phrase from my girlfriend, Celia. And so, even though i know, i rather ignore the fact as well? it's not stupidity, it's a choice i made, knowing fully wat it means... Actually i rather know everything, and not be kept in the dark abt anything at all. i juz dun like to be lied to... tat's all i ask.

she asked me to get him to answer his call. i did. even though he rather not to. tat's all i can do... i was feeling numb inside. But as usual, i smiled. i dun wanna cry... i cried enuff the nite b4. when i was preparing for my exam. when i need the concentration. i can't. i cried. my net fren, suicydal, he knows...

i din bother asking him too much qns after their phonecall, coz no matter wat he says or wat happen, doesn't really matter anymore... he knows how i feel abt the whole situation. and i shall keep it tat way. ONLY he knows...

Depression Mode

i've been feeling very very moody recently and since been trying to pick myself outta this pile of shit! there are the nites where i soak the pillow, but i still dun tell anyone my problems coz i figure it's really no point, since i gotta deal with issues myself anyway. My emotions are screwed up coz too many things happening to me and around me.

i know my frens are always there, and will always be there as long as i asked, always willing to lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, but i guessed i'm too used to handling all my stuff myself. i usually juz spent a few days brooding at home, not meeting up with any frens, not talking to anyone abt my problems... Juz brooding~ usually it works fine for me, but this time round it din work.

i will talk to frens, but not abt the issues i faced. I rather talk abt other stuff so tat it takes my mind off whatever is troubling me. i appreciate all my frens ard me who's been calling to check on me, trying their best to cheer me up or showing their concern in any other ways. Thank you.

i do wanna talk abt wat is happening to me, BUT i dunno how. it's juz not me. i've written pieces on whatever is happening and how i feel abt the situation. But i figured this is not the time to post it up, coz it will cause distress to pple ard me, and ard the ones impt to me.

I'm still very troubled over my relationship.
I'm still very stressed over exams.
I'm still very irritated by the situation at home.
I'm still worried abt my frens.
I'm still very very unhappy... and very very tired... :''(

first paper sucks becoz...

yesterday's Finance paper was freaking difficult... i dun have a good feeling abt it~ pray hard tat i'll pass this module... i studied too last min.

the nite before, he sent me a msg telling me he's gng to sleep~ i called him back immediately and i was not able to get him on the phone, so my mood was really bad... in the end, i had some hard time trying to concentrate as well la~ coz i know something is juz wrong somewhere. juz before my paper, i was still calling him, but he din pick up. After my exams, then i saw a sms telling me tat he din on his phone's ring tone. So he din know i called... sigh~ i got no comments... i'm not a genius, but i'm not a fool either. i threw tantrum with him becoz of it... afterall, i'm super duper annoyed. but i choose to ignore the event after tat since it's history.

i slept in after reaching home from sch coz i din sleep the whole nite trying to squeeze info into my head. Had so many cups of coffee man! 7 cups! broke my own record lor~ But i can't sleep well. not difficult to understand why. i was too tensed and stressed up.

In the end, i got so bored, tired and depressed. Decided to meet my frens for mudpie @ Coffee Club, Holland Village. Went to fetch my mum back from her work and then proceed to Holland V. Feeling so tired actually... But i was happy coz my frens were there to accompany me when i need them. Then i saw YM at Holland V carpark! such an coincidence~ He was at Coffee Club too! but i juz din notice him there... hahaha... quite happy to see him la. Din talk much though... :)

After tat, i drove to Hougang to fetch a close fren. in the end, I gotta call Alex who is in KL to give me road directions! coz i dunno the way~ hahahaha.... The moment i see my fren, no more anger left in me. I mean, i was juz happy la. i juz wanna see him ma, nothing else. So after seeing him, i'm juz feeling happy and everything else forgotten. I'm juz a simple girl... quite simple-minded sometimes as well... :)

starLett's Dating Personality

Your dating personality profile: Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.

Your date match profile: Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Adventurous 2. Sensual 3. Athletic 4. Liberal 5. Practical 6. Funny 7. Romantic 8. Stylish 9. Wealthy/Ambitious 10. Big-Hearted

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Funny 2. Practical 3. Outgoing 4. Sensual 5. Adventurous 6. Conservative 7. Wealthy/Ambitious 8. Traditional 9. Athletic 10. Romantic

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Will You?

when i feel like giving up, will you gimme a hug and tell me everything will be ok?

When i'm tired of holding myself together, will you let me lean on you?

When i'm sick of being independent. Will you be there for me?

Will you?

Break Mirror = 7yrs of bad luck?

juz woke up from my nap~ i really shldn't be sleeping... BUT i dun care ar! i juz dun feel like studying. yesterday, i slack the whole freaking day~ then studied ONE miserable chapter. last nite i intended to take a short nap @ 12mn then continue studying in the nite~ in the end! i Woke up at 730am this morning to go for this photo shoot, which is at 930am actually (I need time to prepare). Introduced by my fren, Chiron...

It's for Boston Business School's new website. He got the lobang coz his frens are the ones designing and creating the website. Quite fun even though it's not very professionally done...

We did the outdoor shoot at Raffles Place and then the indoor shoot at their office, located at Tanjong Pagar... Then i realised, there's another Eski Bar in Boat Quay! much bigger~ maybe i'll try tat place next time...

After the shoot, we went to eat at Maxwell Market, then took a cab back... coz i wanna study, remember? haaa... before gng home, i went to the market to buy a small mirror coz i lost mine AND guess wat?! i broke it the moment i open the packet!!!! F**KING BAD LUCK~! BAD omen eh... break a mirror = bad luck 7 years right~? how ar?!?! everyone, pls pray for me, and wish me good luck. i need plenty of tat for tmr.

so i decided to sleep my bad luck away... good choice? i hope so... coz tonite's gonna be a long long nite... it's gonna last till tmr after my paper which is at 10am~ 3 hr paper... i hope i can survived without sleep till then... ELSE... sigh~! I DUN DARE TO THINK... ;(

i apologise...

alright~ i'm sorry for watever i did... i have my own point of view. i blog abt my life! i dun wanna hurt others too, but at this point in time, i guess sharing my life is gonna cause distress to others, so i dunno wat to do either... i shall not blog abt us anymore, since it's better tat way. i'm not tat strong either, even if i appear to be... i juz dun wanna show my vulnerability...

all i can say... SORRY!

spendin a day together...

I AM NOT HAPPY... hahahaha... i am juz not happy~ lotsa stuff on my mind, but i'll get everything sorta out myself in a while... juz a statement. I shall move on to wat i wanna write actually.

Wed nite, i was looking forward to watching Eye for a Guy 2 coz my fren, Jeffy Han is in... I sorta know Aaron Chong as well. But ain't tat close to him... I was not very impressed by the show though... hahaha~ the gifts to Denise by the two person i know in the show~ they're juz rather dumb? Aaron - a can of drink?! Jeffy - crystal angel eh? i know the history of tat little angel... lol~

after which, i went to Zouk coz my god-bro, Desmond jio. He said his colleagues are looking forward to know me. haha~ i find tat hilarious. He finds it hilarious too~ he's been showing my pics to his colleagues and they think i'm interesting but who knows wat stories he's been feeding them?!?! hor, brother!

Zouk was quite fun even though the music was a little weird tat nite. The crowd is WAY TOO YOUNG for me. it's mambo nite, wat to expect right?! luckily Anthony was there as well, so he kept me company. Dez was too busy with the (other) gals~ hahaha...

Dancing was fun. I miss dancing coz i haven't been clubbing for some time...

i reached the club at 11.40pm. And left at 1.30am... less than 2 hrs, coz i'm meeting WT. i wanna see him more than i wanna club? haha... had plans to spend his off day together, gym and swim~ total relaxation! which is wat i need... i'm feeling so tensed coz i dun have the motivation to start studying.

i like spending a whole day together like yesterday. The feeling of "doing everything together" for a day is really good. We wake up, had lunch - had lotsa food, go to the gym - drink some awful protein drink, workout and laugh, swim - with lousy goggles which traps water when we're swimming, dip in the lousy Jurong East jacuzzi - tease each other, eat dinner - had lotsa food again~, cuddle in bed watch DVD - some very "interesting" show, fell asleep together - nap for 3 hrs, wake up watch TV again, go out for supper - had lotsa food AGAIN! i feel like a glutton, we're always eating and always ordering a lot of food~! coz his stomach is a bottomless pit... after supper, we laze ard in bed, snuggle and sleep again~ bliss... total comfort~

And i feel so energized today~ so i better start studying right? coz tonite i'll be working... but i'm not feeling happy... i still haven't picked up the books YET! i'm feeling very stress~ the usual exams stress... i haven't start AT ALL~ why am i always like tat? sigh~ =(

feeling so much better~

it's a bright new day! storm's over~ may everything be smooth sailing from now on!

I hereby declare... I AM OK AND FINE NOW~! *smilez* afterall, it's been a week since the incident... i've allowed myself one week, and it's time's up now! it's time to continue my life! ;) yeah~!

last week was bad coz things juz happen without a hint. i juz didn't see it coming... under the circumstance of having no preparation, it's not difficult to understand why i got hit bad. i never doubted him, so it's was a shock when i got to know it... it's like everything juz came crashing down. But now, reality got thru my mind, went into my system and OUT... i dun care much abt the incident now. i still care abt him of coz, juz dun care much abt the incident...

i'm gonna start studying! i hope i can really study la... haha... my frens know~ i'm juz LAZY! ;P

Blues

i can't concentrate on my books. Exams coming very soon. starting on 25th April. i haven't even started really studying. i've been flipping pages but there's juz too much things on my mind. I juz can't get him outta my mind. it's not easy. i'm confused.

no one can help me except myself. i'm trying my best... hope this lousy, moody, emotional period pass soon. wish me good luck...

Part two: The Dilemma...

Part two: THE DILEMMA

9th Mar nite - After i stepped into the house, I cried. i wanted so much to have someone love me. He sms-ed me, asking whether we're together. Else why are we so close? I was rendered speechless again. Coz i dunno the answer as well. I chose to ignore the qns and deal with it tmr. i was juz feeling incredibly sad, coz i got no confidence in relationship at all... I dun even know whether he really likes me. I dunno what abt me attracts him. i was feeling so confused. Subsequently, i cried myself to sleep.

I woke up early the next day and prepared for work. Was supposed to be working for Creative tat day. 1st day of the IT Show 2005. But when i reached Suntec City. I was feeling really SICK coz drank too much the nite before. i decided to cancel work and go home to rest instead.

On the bus ride home, i sms-ed him, asking him abt the qns on whether we're together. I dunno the answer, so i asked him whether he wants us to be. he said he dun understand why we're so close if we're not together. I replied saying, not tat i dun want, juz tat i got no confidence. He din reply. After the day passed, i asked him whether he's offended by wat i said or angry at me. He said he dun wanna force me if i dun wanna be together with him. i spent my whole day juz pondering on tat qns.

i remember sending him this quote - No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality, they only pass each other by... - and asking him whether he'll be juz another passerby. He replied, he dun wanna be juz another passerby.

Then i decided i wanna be with this guy. I wanna be serious. And i told him so. At tat point of time, i've decided to give up all other guys attention. i was ready to give all the other guys' attn for his... ALONE... I wanna commit and try make this relationship work out. coz i know i'm a failure in relationships.

The next day, on 11th Mar, i was supposed to meet my primary school fren for ChinaBlack after work. Thru our msgs, i sensed tat he dun want me to go. Becoz i was tired, and becoz i feel like seeing him, i decided to cancel ChinaBlack. I told him i'm not gng afterall. He asked me, wat i'm doing then? I said nothing and i was hoping to meet him. He appeared happy and said he'll meet me. I was feeling really happy too... 1st time in a long time, i feel a little precious in someone's life.

After i reached home from work, i showered and prepare to meet him. He came to fetch me again. We dunno where to go. After joking away for a while in his car, i said, nowhere to go, then go home lor. Then he replied, ok lor, go home lor. Then he drove off with me in his car of coz... i was surprised, and laughed. I said, thot say go home? you juz left my place wor~ he replied, since i promised to be with him tat nite, we gotta go home together. And so, i went to his house...

I was scare when i reached his place. Coz i dun wanna see any of his family member yet. it's juz weird. tat nite, it's the 1st time i stayed over at his place... i felt blissful and peaceful. We watched TV for a while. After which, we laid in each other's arms and talked. He has quite a big build. Being petite myself, he juz enveloped me with his arms ard me, giving me a bear hug... I put my head on his shoulder, resting my cheek on his chest. We juz fit together so closely. I felt really safe in his arms.

i felt really comfortable... tat nite, we were all over each other. We fall asleep in each other's arms. i din sleep much tat nite coz i was not used to staying over at a guy's place. Been a long time since i do tat. But i get to watch him sleep. His hug when he sleep is tight. Like he dun wanna let me leave, even in his sleep. Feels good...

The last person i see before i sleep is him, and the 1st person i see in the morning is him... The cheekiness of him when he wake up and disturb me. it's juz sexy. The morning kiss he gave me after he came back from the shower. it's juz sweet. The hug we shared before he goes off to work, it's juz pure bliss.

That was the moment. I fell for him...


Fallen
by Lauren Wood

I can't believe it,
you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how
I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking,
was content to remain.
And it's ironic
to be back in the game.

You are the one
who's led me to the sun.
How could I know
that I was lost without you...

And I want to tell you,
you control my brain..
And you should know
that you are life in my veins.

You are the one
who's led me to the sun.
How could I know that
I was lost without you...

I can't believe it,
you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how
I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking,
was content to remain.
And it's erotic
to be back in the game.


=- TO BE CONTINUED -=

To My WT

At 2015hr, i received a request from WT tat i've never received before. He asked me to send him a pic of myself. He wanna take a look at me... So, i took a pic of myself n sent it to him... I really miss him so much~ :*(
But i will smile... for him...

Anthony's msg...

Anthony sms me this and requested tat i post this for him... altho i seriously dun see the point, i'll post it... coz i'm also feeling down, i got no energy to go f**k him upside down for allowing himself to be depress for so long...


I dun want her back anymore. I know tat it won't be the same anymore. The wounds are already there. Nothing can change this fact. I hate myself for being so weak. I'm depressed coz i know this. I let myself lose this love. I'm angry tat i can't stop it from happening, angry that she broke my heart when she say she won't. Angry that i believe herwhen i know i shldn't. i doubt myself nowadays i dunno when this will end and i am angry that i let myself fall like this. it's only my own fault that i can't let go, can't get up now. it's not her fault tat she want to leave. I must have let her down and hurt her. The fault is mine. When i can forgive myself is the day i let go.

buddy, tat's all i can do for you... and only ONCE. No more next time.

女人 Women

女 人 不 必 太 美，只 要 有 人 深 爱
女 人 不 必 太 富，只 要 过 的 幸 福
女 人 不 必 太 强，只 要 活 得 尊 贵

A gal-fren from SIM, sent me this sms and I like it a lot. I agree a lot with this. Reminded me another quote i kept.

"What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held.

What Men Want: Tickets for the world series."
         -- Dave Barry

hahaa~ how true it is?

Eski Bar

on monday, one of my poly girlfriends, Weiling asked us whether we're interested to go to Eski Bar. We were all very surprised coz Weiling is one the most innocent girls i know. This will only be her 2nd time walking into a pub if we go to Eski Bar. ;P

I like to act big sister and bring her ard, coz i think it's fun to intro her places. She's cute~ We make an appointment to go to Eski Bar on Friday (last nite) I always look forward to seeing them... they bring peace to me.

I was supposed to go to Wala-Wala with Anthony and Peggy, but becoz i dun get to see my poly frens often enuff, i decided to cancel Anthony and go Eski instead. sorry buddy!

I asked Eric and Alex to join me as well. it was impromptu to ask them though...

Initial plan was to meet 730pm @ Plaza Singapura for dinner then head down to Tanjong Pagar. But in the end, I decided to bring them to a place at Neil Road to have XiaoLongBao instead.

When I was supposed to go Jurong Point to pick Weiling up, my uncle called and me and said my cousin met with a car accident and need me to drive him to the accident site at West Coast Highway. It was my cousin 21st birthday. haha... I dunno whether to laugh or worry. He's ok, but to crash his car on 21st BIRTHDAY... hmm...

So i met up with Weifun and Weiling at International Plaza instead. The food was fantastic and i'm glad tat they like it. After dinner, we head down to ESKI! yeah~! Anthony, Adrian, Peggy and her fren was there when we reached.

Eski is not as fantastic as we thot. It was supposed to be ICE cold~ but it's not cold at all... sigh! the Cold room was juz not cold becoz pple will keep opening and closing the door to walk in and out of the bar. The bar is small and the drinks are weird. The lychee martini comes in a small margarita glass while the strawberry margarita comes in a martini glass? weird right?!?! getting in the out of the pub is darn difficult. The doors are very difficult to open and close! But there's a cute bartender there... only consolation!

We were bored at Eski, so decided to change location. Since we're driving, it's easy to change location. Next place tat comes to my mind -> Balaclava... But when i step into Balaclava, i had the misfortune to see WT and his gf there. ha~ She saw me and i smiled.. act gracious? haha... i also dunno~ it's such a coincidence...

I settled all my frens and ordered drinks. then intended to go over and say "Hello"... but i can't find them anywhere... Ha~ Yes, i was affected. i dropped a few tears, right in the club. it's so embarrassing... i keep telling myself, my mascara will smudge! although tat's not really wat made me stop, but i did stop crying. i composed myself and went for a walk in the club. i juz wanna see pple, see the liveliness of the pple... made me feel better. I really do like him a lot. :)

After Balaclava, Alex suggest we go Geylang for food before heading home. To kill off the alcohol coz he's worried abt me driving after drinking. Although i'm ok coz i only had minimal drinks, i wanna go, coz i really dun feel like gng home so early. I needed the companionship.

After food, i sent them home and then went home. i was not feeling ok. really. But another person helped cheer me up. He's a new net fren tat i know from wholivesnearyou.com, name's Wayne. Thru our chat, we realised we're both at Balaclava, juz tat we dunno each other was there. In the end, he accompanied me by chatting with me over the phone and playing mindless MSN games with me~ I win almost ALL the games... hahahahaha~ He is juz so L**SY~ ;P We put down the phone at 6am in the morning... it's dawn already! sigh~ i juz wanna thank him coz i really needed someone to keep me occupied last nite.

I know how all my frens think, and i know it's not worth it. BUT sometimes, it's not easy. I can pretend i dun care. I can try not to care. But i do care. It takes strength to try get out of this ya know.

Part one: Before...

alright. i wanna write abt HIM, meaning WT...

let's start with the timeline... (note: this is gonna be a long long blog, juz wanna write everything down. Dun read if you're ain't interested anyway)

Part one: BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER

i gotta know him becoz he's a stylist-to-be then and he need hairmodels to let him cut and show his directors. on 19th Feb, He sent me a msg thru Friendster and it was juz something very straight forward - a simple request to let him style my hair.

at tat time, i know it's juz a mass message to all the gals he thinks is suitable for being his hairmodels. my thinking was, "heck, FOC haircut, why not?" i added him on MSN and wanna call him back coz i'm interested in the offer. then we fixed an appointment on 21st Feb @ 1030am for my new hairdo... That was the 1st time i see him in person.

WT is not someone very good-looking but he has his charm. And i'm appreciative of him putting in effort to try and make my hairdo suit my criteria and yet nice at the same time. I was curious abt him coz he's someone new i meet. tat day i din notice him in a romantic kinda way, but still, i was curious abt him coz i'm interested to know why a guy will wanna be a hairstylist. So i asked him lotsa qns when he's trying to concentrate on my hair. found out he lives very near me, only a street away, which is like 5min walk...

I usually get pple approaching me on the street, or thru friend's intro, or approached while i'm working on an event. becoz this is the 1st time, someone approached me thru Friendster as model, i find the whole situation amusing, hence i was smiling the whole way through the session. plus the fact tat i'm always smiling anyway...

He was a distraction to my life then. Coz i juz ended something with Xavier. And i was very busy with work, sch and every other committments i have. I dun have the time to go out and socialise. So he was a nice distraction.

after the haircut, i forgot abt him until later part in the day, a fren at gym commented tat i look different tat day, like more radiant. I was amused and told him i juz had a new haircut and it's FREE. my fren laughed and say, "thank ur stylist then" And so, i did. I sms-ed him and say my thanks.

he replied and say something which sets me grinning. WT said something like,"hey, thks for ur time, you looked great even without the haircut. remb to ask me out for supper." gosh~ i'm juz a sucker for compliments. instantly, i categorized him under "potential prey". i won't even deny the fact tat i do prey on guys. i dun like to wait for a predator and waste time. i can go out and get my own. if i like him, i go for him... i dun wait. "Potential prey" means, i might prey on him some time in the further, when i'm out from my trough.

But at tat time, i wasn't thinking of it YET. i was still in my trough.

on the 22nd Feb and 24th Feb nites, we had short chats over MSN. Talk abt nothing in particular, but there was the "why is sweety so tired?" and the "Hi pretty"... haha~ smooth one...

25th Feb, i was slaving thru my LMS minor report when he came online and we had this short flirt? was talking abt gng to the gym and swimming before i go to work at nite. he said he wanna go swimming pool to peep at me... i find tat CUTE~ haha... then i asked for songs, coz i dun dare to d/l from websites anymore, so frens to frens is safer. Every new net fren, i asked them for songs~ ;P he wants my pics in exchange for songs~ i was AMUSED and asked him, why he wants my pics. He said - so that he can look at it when he miss me... LoL! no problem for me, since i post my own pics almost everywhere anyway. So tat started the exchange...

he sent me a particular piece - Air (BWV 991 in C Minor) and said it's very suitable for candlelight dinner. Then he asked me out for candlelight dinner on my birthday. which to me, is a very sweet gesture. afterall i dun even know him. And it juz makes me feel tat he is interested. And i was amused again~ lol... seriously, sometimes, i can never fathom why guys are interested in me?!?! All my close frens can't either~ But of coz i agreed...

And i conveniently forget abt him after tat chat till days later on 3rd Mar. I was too darn busy with a lot of other stuff then. Esp. on the 1st Mar, i was super down, coz my ex-bf, YM contacted me and i was super affected. i wanted to be single and left alone for the 1st time in my life. i really wanted to have the time to heal my wounds and think abt life. BUT WT was juz hovering ard... he was a nice distraction.

he msged me asking whether i wanna meet him on 15th Mar (eve of my bday) or 16th Mar (exact day) for the dinner. I said anything, juz inform me early, coz i have other dates. it was only juz a dinner to me then~ We settled on 15th for the dinner date. He said he will fetch me from sch on Mon nite coz he wanna "warm up". i thot he was kidding, i replied "watever"

We left things as it is. the date was on, but he din push too hard and kept calling or msg-ing. he was cool abt the issue. I like... the game. The hot and cold treatment works for me. i got more interested. I went on with my life and continuing working till the point of exhaustion.

On the 7th Mar, i received a sms from him asking whether i'm free to do highlight for my hair the day after. Yes, i'm a cheapo. It's FOC. i was considering only becoz my schedule is darn tight. i said, can if it's after 5pm. Then he said ok! i was hitting myself on the head then. coz i seriously dun wanna travel down to Serangoon for hair colour! I had to agree... only consolation for myself - It's gonna be FREE. :P

I know it's his OFF day on Tues, so it'll be his colleague doing the colour for me. He said he'll go down and look for me. i burst out laughing. coz off day, go back to salon for wat?! so freaking far somemore... Jurong West to Serangoon leh! siaoz~ But he say he'll be there... so watever~ i juz want the FOC hairdo to come out NICE... else will really be a waste of my time.

That nite, i was slaving thru my project again and he came online, so there's the distraction from my project again. he sent me a song and tell me to pay attn to the lyrics, Morrissey - I Love You Baby. We talked abt stuff tat nite tat sets me thinking abt stuff. Not abt him, abt myself. he said i'm simple by nature, but i've had been disturbed by things, hindered by some stuff from the past, and tell me not to complicate myself. He also said, "God sent me to help you and protect you from things" i was speechless tat someone can think so highly of himself... At the same time, i was impressed and amazed by him.

We talked abt stupid things like, wat colour to do on my hair the next day. He said same colour as his, then when we go out, can have couple hair. I laughed. I like guys who can make me laugh. i jokingly said, "let's have couple tees, couple pendants and look like identical twins." He find my idea abt couple pendants interesting. Then, he mentioned couple rings... I laughed again. I've never been in a relationship where we have to wear couple rings~ guessed things never got tat serious ever for me...

He told me, he's not a good person also and so he won't actually expect anything from me. He said he dun have confidence in relationship... i agree totally. so best is dun get into one. Tat's like so cool to hear then. No strings attached, juz casual dating. Juz have fun when we're out. phew~ a relief when i hear tat.... all the while, i was being called "his princess", awww....

Following day, on the 8th Mar, he did appear at the salon while i do my hair after all. We talked a little. Was a little touched tat he really turn up. Was fussed over by him when he was there. felt a little pampered and it's a nice feeling.

on the 9th Mar, he msg-ed me asking abt my day and tat he miss me. i decided to ask him why he's paying so much attn to me. I was out from my trough. it's time to play the game once again? He din really say anything, he juz asked me whether i wanna go for a walk at nite. i thought, why not? and agreed. He said he'll come fetch me when he's home.

That nite, was the 1st time we go out together. He came and fetch me and he drove all the way to Changi Village. we both live at Jurong West. Till now, i dunno why tat location. But i was hoping it's becoz when he asked me "where shld we go?", and i replied, "dun ask me, else i'll say somewhere ridiculous like watch planes fly off at Changi." He indulged in my desire to play on a swing and we went to the playground. everything seems so carefree tat nite. We din talk much coz he's a quiet person and i dun feel like talking. We juz walked beside each other. Sat beside each other at the Changi beach. Drink our beer and stare at the horizon - for ships, for planes, for satellites, for clouds, and for twinkling stars.

after a while of sitting in comfortable silence, we actually went to the Old Changi Hospital which is rumoured to be haunted. I was scare. I've always been scare of this kinda places. But i feel safe with him. He guide me along while we explore the place in the middle of the nite. It was ard 2am? i cling on to him, coz i was SCARE! He din seem to mind...

he got a few phonecalls tat nite. he din answer them. then he answered one when he was driving back to our area. he sounds agitated and after putting down, he said IT'S HIS EX-GF. i smiled and say dun have to tell me wor~ at tat point of time, i wasn't interested to know.

We decided to go back to our area and sit at the coffeeshop to drink beer (like auntie/uncle?). He challenged me 4 bottles each. I laugh at his silly challenge, but took it up anyway. I know i was not up to tat. but i dun care and say see who will go down 1st. We really did drink tat nite. But he puked after 1.5 bottles of Heineken. I downed my 2 bottles and try my best to remain sober. Even though i din puke, i know i'm quite gone. We were drinking so fast. haa... We stayed out till 4am+ tat nite.

i know i'm the type of gal who will do anything to my fancy when i'm in the mood or guts to. i was half-drunk. i like him. i feel like kissing him. And so i did... in any case, if he push me away, i can say i was drunk. But he did not. The kiss was exhilarating and intoxicating (for me at least). We were all over each other. And then, i ended it, opened my door and stepped in. I was guilty, coz i juz promised myself i wanna be alone.


=- TO BE CONTINUED -=

wat I've been thinking abt...

Last nite was a great nite. But i totally dun understand myself anymore? maybe i dun give a damn either. maybe some pple read this entry and will never get wat i'm trying to say. but i believe there will definitely be someone who can understand.


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
         -- Walter Bagehot


Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say and not giving a damn.
         -- Gore Vidal


If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it!


Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway.
You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
         -- Eleanor Roosevelt


The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
         -- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891


Do not judge men by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy.
         -- E. H. Chapin


"sometimes when you feel the world's watchin, you put on a show."
i'm playin the role of a happy girl.
but no one knows.
inside i'm alone but i'll never let it show.


I'm a girl who is weak in heart. I'm a girl who is out of love. I'm a girl who don't trust love anymore....



maybe i might explain wat i mean by all this quotes, maybe i'll not. depends on my mood ba... not in the mood these days~ :(

But they sure represents wat i've been pondering on a lot these days....

Balaclava Bar

i'm juz back from Balaclava Bar @ Suntec City! heh~ nice place... i always think so... except the fact tat usually can't get seats unless we go exceptionally early, or exceptionally late~ we were in betw tonite, so we gotta stand for some time, before some nice gentleman offer me his seat~ haha...

was slacking at home the whole day but i can't sleep coz they're upgrading the estate and lots of drilling gng on. I went to bed at 5am+ and had to wake up at 9am+ coz the noise is juz deafening~ sianz!

went for coffee @ Cityhall Starbucks to meet up a new fren. Incredibly lost lady~ hope she finds her direction soon. :)

i found mine. might not be right~ but at least i know wat i want.

the companionship tonite was incredible. really... juz wat i needed tonite. they are fun pple~ haha~ alright... i'm gng to bed! tmr will be a better day~ ;)

MeaningfuL Quotes

I collect meaningful quotes. In many ways, these quotes may change my perspectives, motivates me and hence changed my life.

I started collecting quotes when I was in sec sch. I was a very depressed teen then and everything juz ain't going on right. Then i came across this quote -

Gõ Çonfidéntly iÑ tHe dïréctiõN õf yoUr dReÅmS
LiVe tHe lïfÈ yõu håvÈ iMaGiÑeD~!

*BAM... then i juz wake up and tell myself, dun wallow in self-pity. Dream and pursue the dream. Confidence... ONLY I can change my life!

from then on, whenever i come across a meaningful quote, i jot it down and let it motivates me. When i'm down and need the extra little bit of help to pick myself up - i read my quotes. Like now....

Lost...

i really dunno wat to say now or wat to do either. nothing seemed to work. something major happened to me and i'm upset. really really upset. i know i WILL (definitely) pick myself up and move on, but now, i juz dun have the energy anymore...

been a long long time since i CALL for help. i called Weifun (and most prob worried her to death) and Celia (i really need a listening ear) i'm so used to being independent tat i nearly feel sorry for myself coz i've become vunerable again... But i'll be fine...

for frens who're worried, give me time to sort myself out and i will be fine...

And again~ my obsession with Friendster horoscope... f***ing accurate again~
It would be easy to get depressed -- but don't let it happen. Things may be tough at the moment, but there's something wonderful coming up, and the weekend looks marvelous. Now buck up.

Once, everything was crystal clear. But now, the fog has obscured your view.

As nostalgic as you're feeling at the moment, it would be easy to let yourself get down in the dumps. But what purpose would that serve? We all think there's something we'd do differently if we had the chance, but why dwell on changing the past? Everything you've ever done has made you the person you are today. Be glad for everything that's happened, good and bad, and look to the future.

i won't do anything silly to myself again... THIS, i can promise myself! i won't drink myself to half-death, or work myself to half-death either. i will take hold lightly and learn to let go lightly...

Let tears flow of their own accord:
their flowing is not inconsistent with inward peace and harmony.
           -- Seneca

this time, i will allow myself to cry, coz i can no longer cry inside. hurts too much. my tears will flow freely, and i will be fine....

Eros

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion! And chances are, you're currently in love. You have a strong physical response to love... And you are great at committing (As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

What's Your Love Style?

Unbelievable!

OMG~ How can i dun believe in horoscopes?!?! it's simply amazing! I got a shock when i read my friendster horoscope today~ it's kinda freaky!


That tingly feeling you get when you look at that certain person? Especially lately? It's a good thing. Don't be scared, no matter what happened last time. This could be delightfully different.

Sudden moves are ill-advised. Watch where you're going. And don't push it.

You've been seriously involved before, and you know what it's like to care deeply for someone. But at the moment, you're not thinking about the past -- only about what it would be like to be with this latest interest. Of course, there's also an air of secrecy surrounding the situation, which makes it all the more appealing. There's something to be said for mystery, after all.


and remember wat i wrote last nite? and then i juz read my horoscope~ goshz~ unbelievable!

what is happening to me?

i'm feeling extremely moody today. i wonder if this is how it feels to love someone. i constantly miss him. till it gets to me BAD. i start to worry and think... too much. i imagine the worst things ever. i get scare.

been some time since i felt like this, and it worries me. buddy says i'm very possessive actually, but i'm trying very hard not to be. tat's why i feel miserable. but i really dun wanna be too aggressive and scare him off... maybe buddy's right.

i do wanna ring him everyday, listen to his voice. i do wanna meet him whenever we can. i do feel the need to have him beside me. i do feel neglected when he dun contact me. i do miss him terribly and wonder wat's he's doing all the time. I DO CARE.

even though i try not to put in too much too fast. coz i'm trying to be too rational. when i'm actually very emotional... i do feel, my heart is not tat cold. i do love. i'm really scare tat if i'm too aggressive, he'll leave me. i actually really want to request for lotsa stuff, but i dun dare to, coz i dun wanna pressurise.

i'm really scare... gosh! what is happening to me?

Being a fren to Anthony

last nite i was preparing to hit the sack when my buddy, Anthony called me @ 2.46am! damn i'm gonna say it here buddy...

To find yourself jilted is a blow to your pride. Do your best to forget it and
if you don't succeed, at least pretend to.
       -- Moliere

this is one of the quotes tat i sincerely believe in. i collect quotes by the way, and in a lot of ways meaningful quotes change my life and the way i think abt life.

He was sobbing. I was at a loss of words. sigh~

i hate it when he say he wanna die. i mean, falling out of love is not the end of the world and i gave him a piece of my mind! there is more to life than relationships!!!!!!!!

i understand his pain, his sorrows and his misery~ i went thru tat before. BUT if he dun help himself, no one can... it's not tat bad if you always tell yourself, "I can get thru. I can survive~!" NOT "i wanna die, i can't live without her!" if she can live w/o you, you can too...

Get a grip, buddy!

it took me 64mins to calm him down and wait for him to sober up. it's was 3.50am when i put down the phone. then i go sleep, coz i finished work at 12mn... tired myself~

hope he's feeling better... but i read his moblog, it seems like i've wasted tat 64min~ duhz!

Back to working again~

i juz reached home from work. it's back to working again since i gave myself 2 weeks break for the project/test stress period. I need another day job since i quitted X-Square. Any lobang? I need the money~

Was working at 57 Chevy Pub @ Katong Village as Red Square Vodka brand ambassador~ it's a brand of vodka from UK. Jus started in Singapore if i'm not wrong. Packaging's quite cool. Outfit tonite -> red top/black skirt/black boots... the colours of Red Square Vodka.

The pub is COOL! full of more mature people, say ard late 30s to early 50s. They do line dancing in the pub~ and cha cha to certain songs... Live band somemore! hahahaha...... it's like they all treat me like little girl. Some even say i'm same age as their daughter~ gosh! but they're really young at heart. Look at the way they dance and enjoy themselves~ i know they enjoy their lives to the fullest! =)   I enjoyed myself at work becoz of them...

sales was so-so... i only managed to sell 3 bottles of Red Square Reloaded Shot, which is about 3 x 14 shots. I was feeling quite lost at 1st coz the sales rep wasn't ard and i was not sure abt the product. After a while, things picked up, so everything was fine~

before work, i went for a focus group interview abt female smokers. not allowed to reveal stuff i think, so better not say anything. BUT everything shown was really quite gruesome and I seriously think females really shldn't smoke!!!!

After the interview, i went for a mini shopping spree @ Bugis Junction and spend money~ i feel the pinch now, coz i know i can't afford to spend like this! :(

i bought 2 sets of bikinis for $60 only! which is dirt cheap i think... the designs suits me and the bottom is hipster style. super low waist! I LIKE! Bought a new blusher at The Body Shop and then i walked to Bugis Village - bought a makeup pouch and a black sling bag. I set my eyes on a black Adidas sports bag. Still thinking whether i shld get it.

i'm always working so hard, but why am i always so broke?! sianzzz... *vexed* ;(

Sweetness.

Another joint horoscope tat's real nice... me and WT~ it's like sweetness oozing out... LoL!

You two are like peanut butter and jelly right now -- nothing fancy, just extra comfy and nice 'n' familiar. You're good for each other, your metaphorical sandwich satisfies, and, yes, you've got some good stuff leaking out around the crust. If you're able to spend some face-to-face time, you may find that you don't need a lot of pesky conversation in order to relate to each other; those knowing looks and some spontaneous laughter are more than enough. Enjoy the simple goodness.

Sweet Nothings

Today, i'm in this super duper sweet mood... hahahahaa... gotta do with who i spent my day with yesterday. lalalalala~

i spent the entire 24hrs together with him! *griNz* feels good... blissful~ =)

had lunch together and then worked out at the gymr~ the workout was juz pure hell? hahaa... nah, was sweet even though i feel like i'm tortured~ 1st time i really exercise when i go to the gym... most of the time (alright, all the time...), i'm juz taking the role of a gym-pretender and juz checking out pple. Therefore, i got super aching muscles today~ *OUcH* every movement is retarded and slow becoz of the aching muscles. i can't even wash my hair properly!

then we went to Orchard for shopping~ he's a spendthrift, and really a metrosexual... plus things he looked at is so different and captivating. Was walking ard in Far East Plaza when we come across this very interesting shop - InQBox. We both think the shop's concept is interesting. They sell various items and brands. If i'm not wrong, you can sell your things there for a small shelf fee. LocalBrand, the T-shirt brand tat xiaxue is representing, is also selling there...

While waiting for me to try on a bikini, he spotted something very different. It's the Harmony (or Dream) Ball! The harmony balls are also known as Tibetan Harmony spheres

ta da~! nice?

Once meditation devices, they're now primarily used for therapeutic, relaxation or decorative purposes. Harmony balls are said to be created by the Druids to bring one into communion with Nature, relieve stress and lower blodd pressure. Others say Mexicans created them to soothe a crying baby. Made of sterling sliver, each harmony ball is a chime that makes a soft tinkling sound as its lucky wearer moves about or when it is shaken.

Being quite fascinated by them, he bought one for himself and one for me...

mine is of a simpler design... and i love it, especially the soft tinkling sound it produced. wearing it today, every chime juz make me think of him. :)

After shopping, we went to find food~ we intended to go for the Chen Ji Shi Han buffet, but tat place is closed for renovation. sigh~ Just our luck, 1st the gym 2 weeks ago, then now the buffet place... haha~ They're all juz preparing to serve us better (his pt of view~ optimistic eh?!)

Ended up at 鼎太丰 (Ding Tai Feng) @ Paragon. Had a great dinner together. heez... he always order A LOT of food, thinking i'm a glutton, actually i'm not. LoL! but we always manage to finish the huge amount of food tat we order... so perhaps i am?

after dinner, we catched the movie, Beauty Shop @ Cineleisure... went home and snuggle up... a full day of fun! a full day of his company...

juz thinking of him brings a smile... awwww~

Slack the day at home and went for lecture in the evening... Lecture was boring as usual~ after lecture, went down to Wala-Wala to meet Anthony and Peggy for drinks and chill-out. 1st time i gotta queue outside Wala to get in. It's super crowded inside becoz it's Friday nite! AND EIC is playing~ They're juz amazing!

I love chilling out with frens who have the same sense of humour and as fun-loving~ Peggy is a new fren intro to me by Anthony and i like her! we can click~ share the same frequency ba... We were talking and talking thru the nite. Interesting happening - a designer from Shanghai, call Pan Weirong approached me to do a show for him. in the midst of the loud band playing, i hear him say he's from La'Salle and juz won an award so showcasing his stuff in SG. He said i fit the image tat he's looking for. Find it a good opportunity (plus sounds fun), but dunno how true abt wat Mr Pan said though~

i keep thinking abt my baobei~ how ar? think i'm crazy le la...

Virus Attack - Win32/Hidrag.A

i was vexed for 2 whole days (yesterday and today) becoz my comp is corrupted by VIRUS! (wat a horrible word!) yesterday, i installed the AVG anti-virus program by Grisoft and it detected tat my computer is infected with Win32/Hidrag.A and so i tried very hard to remove the virus but was not able to. Tried reading thru all the forums but can't seem to find any relevant help~ which is very very frustrating! ;(

Then i thot, maybe i juz restart and see how~ AND F*** Up thing is, i got startup problem coz AVG screwed up my system and i cannot startup my computer~ Aarrggghhh! nvm, cool... i go into safe mode and tried to uninstall AVG, guess wat~ the stupid virus corrupted the uninstallation exe program of AVG and i CANNOT UNINSTALL... wat luck?!?!

so there i was, cannot restart coz AVG is problematic and my computer have a virus tat corrupt EVERY *.exe file... thus i can't uninstall AVG also! STUPID COMPUTER! But i cannot live without one. And so, i felt so darn miserable.

Restarted it using system restore and decide to leave it till i find a solution. got really pissed when i realised my Media Player ain't working as the exe file cannot be initialize becoz it is corrupted. i gave up trying to find a solution and decide tat i'll have to reformat my comp.

reaching tat disheartening conclusion, i went out to meet Celia. Was supposed to meet her 830pm @ Holland Drive tat XO Fish Soup Noodle place but i was late, coz i was waiting for my dad's car. My dad came back late~ and then i gotta meet with ALL (yes! ALL!) the traffic lights on the way there... seriously, it's juz BAD LUCK! so, Celia waited for 40min b4 i reached... Sorry gal! Celia din scold me~ phew!

after dinner, we went to Coffee Bean to chill. Initially, the plan is to go Wala-Wala for drinks, but becoz of Ant, we switched location and go Coffee Bean instead. They have their conflicts and differences and i'm good friends with both of them. so sometimes, i gotta be tactful... Ant was at Wala, so i thot might be a better idea if we switch location since we can have our catching up session anywhere. Us gals were having a great time chatting when Ant showed up at Coffee Bean with his god-sis Claudia. Immediately, i can feel the uneasiness sets in. Sianz! wat was a great outing in the beginning juz become something different. sigh~! after like 45min, Celia and I decided to call it a nite and go home. So i say my goodbyes to my buddy and send Celia home. I love this kinda female bonding sessions. haha~

When i reached home, i see my comp again and become vexed once again~ was chatting online when i remembered Celia's bf fixed computers for pple and actually made arrangements for him to come and reformat my computer for me tonite. i spent the whole day backing up my data, which is a chore! Then, iaN reached home and sent me a link tat help me fixed all my problems - eTrust EZ Anti-Virus! heh heh~ =D steady right! so all my worries were gone becoz of eTrust...

and now i can blog coz i'm so glad my computer's alright and AIDS FREE! might write abt wat happened to me during the past few days when i'm in the mood~ haha!

i got International Finance lecture tonite... WAT A DRAG!

Wat's in for a Piscean today?

Was surfing Friendster and realised they have a new feature! Horoscopes~ my fav. thing to read about~ muahahaha.... here goes, my horoscope for TODAY! =)

Forecast Better keep some tissues handy, because your already sentimental nature will be running especially high for the next couple of days. The good side of all this, however, is that you'll be a magnet for affection. Nice, huh?

The Bottom Line
The opportunities are almost endless. But your time is limited. So be selective.

In Detail
You woke up this morning with the urge to cry for absolutely no reason. No conscious reason, at least. You're not sad, you're just feeling extremely sentimental. Now that can be good or it can be bad -- and if you're not in a situation where you feel comfortable expressing your feelings, it can be awkward. Oh, well. When all is said and done, no one will ever accuse you of being a phony. And think of the sympathy!

And there's the joint one with WT...
You and WT are flying high today!
Sometimes, knowing when not to say something is a greater gift than having the right words. A judicious silence can communicate more than a torrent of the most eloquent words. Keep that in mind as you and a friend start discussing a topic that could quickly spiral out of control. Remember, you don't have to have an answer (or even a response) for everything; if a question comes up that's befuddling, just answer honestly, 'I don't know.' Attentive listening might be all your pal needs.

alright, this is profound and i dun understand actually! haha!

Friendster Bulletin Posts

§~ If a Girl Cries ~§

If a girl cries in front of u,
it means that she couldnt take it anymore.
If u take her hand,
she would stay with u for the rest of ur life;
If u let her go, she couldnt go back to being herself anymore.

A gal wont cry easily,
except in front of the person whom she loves the most,
she becomes weak.

A gal wont cry easily,
only when she love u the most,
she put down her ego.

Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of u,
please hold her hands firmly,
coz she's the one who is willing to stay with u 4 for
the rest of ur life.

Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of u,
please dont give her up,
maybe bcoz of ur decision,
u ruin her life.

When she cry rite in front of u,
When she cry bcoz of u,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling?
Think.
Which other girl have cried with pure sincerity,
In front of u,
And bcoz of u?

She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not bcoz she wants sympathy or pity,
She cries,
Because crying silently is no longer possible,
the pain, hurt n agony have bcome too big a
burden to be kept inside.

Guys,
Think about it,
If a gal cry her heart out to u,
And all because of u,
Its time to look back on wat u have done,
Only u will know the answer to it.

Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may b too late for regrets,
It may b too late to say "im sorry".


@= Meaning of LOVE =@

[GIRLS...]
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world
when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you
of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

[GUYS...]
Find a girl who calls you baby faced instead of hot or sexy
who can't stand it when you hang up on her and calls right back,
who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most,

Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes
and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips,
Wants to be with you in public, even if you wear those old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,

Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy, who makes you smiles just by knowing she loves you back.
Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to in public and she still is in view of her friends,
while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"