Lost Love

last nite, a msg came through to me and i feel the heaviness of my heart. then i realised tat i've always hold him dear and close to my heart. every time i received a msg from him, i'll think of the times we spent together - Sentosa, clubbing, trip to Genting, watching soccer, shopping, supper, movies, reading books lying next to each other, slack at home... 2yrs of our lives. Funny how we always have the selective memories and remember the happy times, and forget the stuff which upsets us then after a long time...

and every time, the image of him leaving my house tat fateful day will juz appear in my mind. where i know tat we're gng nowhere and i finally decided to let him go, let him go in search of his happiness. It was at tat particular moment where all i want is him finding his happiness. I never thot i'll think tat way until tat moment.

And another 2yrs plus have gone by. All it takes is a simple greeting from him, a simple "hello, how are you?" every now and then as a fren, to get me thinkin abt us again. I know tat both of us have changed after we part. At least, i know i've changed a lot.

That phase of my life is one of my best. He is always there for me - providing companionship, advice, emotional support, and most importantly love. I feel balanced then. after he left, i was lost. for the longest time, i was constantly searching for myself, lost. i tried and look for love, but all in the wrong places. i treated guys wrong as well. i admit, i've broke a few hearts in the last 2yrs coz i really dunno wat i want anymore.

Recently, i came to terms with issues. I learnt to embrace solitary. i came to realised tat i can be alone without feeling lonely anymore.

Now i know, i juz wanna be single, and left alone. i've always been in denial tat that breakup hurts me deeply and affected me in a way tat i can't explain myself. i simply ignore it and moved on, bring abt a change in me tat i cannot understand myself. i become confused.

i need tat time to heal myself. i need the time and energy to love myself a little more. else, no matter who i'm with, i'll not be happy coz i'll be constantly searching for "him" in the new guy,which will not be fair.

i know i'll always have him in my heart and i'm very glad to know tat he feels the same abt me.

i'm glad he found his happiness. but i can't help missing him whenever his msgs come thru.