Numbness - Selfishness

i churn this out before tonite actually. and i did posted it. For exactly 3min then i decided to delete it. coz it involves the feeling of someone who i do care abt even though i rather not. a gal actually. not him. but i juz got the urge to post it tonite... maybe becoz i'm half-drunk, or maybe tonite i juz show a little more emotion, feel a little more vulnerable than usual? haa... i dunno the answer either, but nonetheless, this is it...

26th April 2005 - 1925hr

i wonder anyone have the feeling of whole body turned cold and numb SUDDENLY? and the heart suddenly turning stone cold and really really heavy? i had the feeling this morning. it's a very very bad feeling... the numbness... enveloping your heart...

i woke up way earlier than needed coz i can't rest well the whole nite. too tensed becoz of exams stress. then the most natural thing is to reach for my phone and check my msgs, coz before i slept last nite, i heard msgs, but i din checked coz it's so late already, they can't be really impt! right~? Then i realised my hp auto switched off during the nite coz batt flat... irritating! so, i reached for the charger cord and plug it in. Ahh.. then i felt so much better? i'm a little obsessed with my phones... most of my frens knows~ haha

after charging for like 2 min, i tried and switched it on... i mean, my phone gotta be on 24/7! else wat if someone's looking for me? ya right... actually, it usually nothing life threathening.

then i checked my msgs... then i got tat reaction... why?! coz she msged me... who is she? my bf's ex-gf (or is it gf still? i got no idea). my whole body turned freezing cold. sucks! she send me a msg like 1.51am last nite asking me whether i'm with him, and requesting tat i asked him to answer his phone... SIGH~ i was stunned, for a full min at least (i think so la, juz a long while la) i lost my mind for a while?

i mean, there he is. Lying juz next to me. Asleep. Looking harmless, and i juz broke out of his embrace. alright... i was told they broke off again~ exactly a week ago. duhz... i did not contact her to verify it coz it'll be very selfish of me right? she's already hurting, she dun need me to go ask this kinda qns. Plus he says not to hurt her further. I respect tat. So i din contact her even though i was skeptical. I dun see the point either.

when i reacted and replied, i asked her whether they're still together~ stupid qns! I knew she was with him the nite b4. How do i know?! gut feeling and also the way the bed is made... i dun wanna qns him further at nite, coz i was tired of everything already, i juz wanna sleep. so we both went to sleep. juz holding each other close and not speaking a single word.

wat's the point right? tat's why I chose to ignore it... i once told her "Ignorance is bliss". I got this phrase from my girlfriend, Celia. And so, even though i know, i rather ignore the fact as well? it's not stupidity, it's a choice i made, knowing fully wat it means... Actually i rather know everything, and not be kept in the dark abt anything at all. i juz dun like to be lied to... tat's all i ask.

she asked me to get him to answer his call. i did. even though he rather not to. tat's all i can do... i was feeling numb inside. But as usual, i smiled. i dun wanna cry... i cried enuff the nite b4. when i was preparing for my exam. when i need the concentration. i can't. i cried. my net fren, suicydal, he knows...

i din bother asking him too much qns after their phonecall, coz no matter wat he says or wat happen, doesn't really matter anymore... he knows how i feel abt the whole situation. and i shall keep it tat way. ONLY he knows...